By Patrick Martin
Late Monday, Jerusalem time, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu announced he was temporarily suspending action by the Knesset, the Israeli parliament, on his plan to carry out what amounts to a coup against the country’s judicial system, the only arm of the state that his ultra-right coalition does not control.
https://www.wsws.org/en/articles/2023/03/28/pers-m28.html
Netanyahu made this tactical retreat in the face of the largest outpouring of popular opposition in the history of Israel, with massive street protests Sunday culminating in a full-scale walkout Monday by vast sections of the Israeli working class. Airports, shipping, transport, manufacturing, utilities, schools, day care centers, universities and virtually all government operations were affected. Israeli embassies all over the world were closed, and the Israeli consul general in New York City resigned.
The turn toward violent repression and dictatorship in Israel is part of a global process. As demonstrated in recent months in France and Sri Lanka, in both imperialist powers and impoverished and oppressed countries, the ruling class sees no way out of the social and political crisis of world capitalism except through such methods. The safety switches of democracy are burning out, and the two major classes in modern society, the capitalists and the working class, are confronting each other in open struggle.
It is impossible for Jewish workers and youth to defend their democratic rights under conditions where the Palestinian population of Israel and the occupied territories remains under savage military repression and increasingly brazen vigilante and settler violence. There cannot be military dictatorship in the West Bank and Gaza and democracy within Israel.
We repeat again the formulation of the Fourth International in 1948: Our perspective is “for the merging of Jewish workers’ struggles with the social, national and liberationist struggles of the Arab toilers.”
The events of the past weeks have put paid to the notion that the Jewish workers of Israel are somehow different from their class brothers and sisters around the world, including the Arab workers of Palestine. The central issue is to overcome the reactionary Zionist leadership of the protest movement and fight for the unity of Arab and Jewish workers in a common struggle to defend jobs, living standards and democratic rights, including the national rights of the Palestinian people. This can only be done on the basis of the program and perspective of international socialism.

I will start by saying that I despise D3 & haven't play a Blizzard game since SC2, my history with Blizzard games goes like this Diablo->StarCraft->Diablo2->StarCraft2-> THE END
For many-many years D3 was my most anticipated game, when the game was close to release I could spot from a mile way that this was not the game I had in mind & will definitely not be something I would like to play & that was the case in the end, D3 was by far the biggest disappointment I had in my life as a gamer till now, needless to say I skipped it & act like it never happen.
Forward to D4 Open Beta, I would be honest here although the game looked nice I was almost certain that I wont like it for various reasons, so you could say I was somewhat biased before even start playing, well let me tell you although I could find many things I thought needs improvement the devs at Blizzard who crafted this game manage to give me a hard slap in the face & make me admit how wrong I was, yep I never expected to say this but I was wrong because D4 have been crafted exceptionally & the potential for what is going to become in the future is literally limitless.
During the beta I lived and breathed D4, I played for about 44 hours (check this to get an idea https://i.ibb.co/cFCRKM9/Screenshot082.jpg) apart from sleeping and eating I did nothing but play the game trying to see as much as possible, if the game wasn't fun, if I wasn't having fun playing there is no way I would have spent that many hours playing a game in such a short time, & that is the biggest proof that D4 is fun, so the developers imo can be proud because they created a fun game & I'm sure the majority out there agree with that sentiment.
Anyway let's move on with my review, I'm going to split this review in 3 sections, THINGS I LIKED ABOUT THE GAME, THINGS I DIDN'T LIKE AS MUCH OR AT ALL & IMO NEED IMPROVEMENT, THINGS I WOULD LIKE TO SEE IN THE FUTURE THAT WOULD MAKE THE GAME MORE FUN TO PLAY.
So without further ado:
THINGS I LIKED ABOUT THE GAME

1. The Game Looks Gorgeous, the visuals & the art direction is on point, exactly how a Diablo game should look like, with that I mean gritty & gory also realistic & serious, so huge props to those responsible for this aspect of the game, they really did an amazing job.
2. The Atmosphere, everything is dark & grim, there is people in distress everywhere, people in need of help, you go out of town & you find either people frozen because there were caught on a blizzard, massacred bodies that were eaten by wild beasts, so many other such examples but the atmosphere feels nice, also I liked especially the icy theme & the heavy blizzard out of towns in the first region of the game.
3. The Sound Design, there is nothing more to say here other than to give my highest praise to the sound design team because they truly did an amazing job & there is nothing to complain about.
4. The Combat, the combat feels really nice (as long you change the combined move+interact+basic attack all-in-one button from the options, else it feels clunky) I had a great time slaying thousands & thousands of mobs while grinding dungeons or taking part on events out in the world map, it felt smooth & neither fast or slow, just perfect somewhere in the middle, it felt really good can't find anything to complain about.
5. The Campaign & the Cutscenes, let's put those two together as they are essentially part of the same thing, the main story, at least what we had the chance to experience on the first zone, looks really nice & I enjoyed it while playing, there is ofc some parts of it that I liked more than others, but it was enjoyable for the most part & I definitely looking forward to see more of it, also the cutscenes in some cases were made in exceptionally way that definitely elevate the presentation to the viewers.
6. The Side Quests, now who would guess that I'm gonna like the side quests of all things on an MMO, I play MMORPGs for the past 20 years more or less & the side quests was never something I enjoyed doing because they are always terrible made & feel like a chore, well I think that more than half of the side quests I did in D4 was fun & interesting because they were carefully crafted & they were really well made, they didn't feel like side quests to be honest but more like a part of the main story.
7. The Transmog/Wardrobe system, I loved this, it's straight 10/10 & I would like to see any game company include this kind of system on their game in the future, it's perfect I love everything about it because it offers so much customization & freedom to alter how your character looks & stuff like that is always welcome.
8. The Cinematics, well those are always top-notch on any Blizzard game but I had to say it anyway, especially the intro, the first trailer we saw deserve to get some awards, definitely.
9. Monster Level Scaling, before I tried the beta I was against this but then I played the game & I was constantly thinking every time I was roaming some before low level area "if not for monster level scaling this area would have low level mobs that would pose no threat to me & I couldn't get any valuable drops out of them whatsoever..." in short it would happen what usually happen on any mmorpg, all low level areas become useless after a point when your level is high enough & there is no point to revisit all those low level areas anymore, also there is one more reason I liked monster level scaling & I thought this kind of feature suit a game like Diablo perfectly, because it would be anticlimactic to exiting a town & every mob you are facing is low level scrap, if that happen it would definitely ruin the atmosphere that this world is bloody dangerous & there is things out there that wanna murder you & eat you alive, & it's very important to feel that way at all times else the game won't feel as fun anymore, at least not for me.
10. Cursed Treasure Chest & Cursed Shrine events, I really like those they have a nice surprise element, instead of getting loot or buffs you get a swarm of mobs in your face, fun mechanic.
11. Legendary Aspect System, the fact that every legendary item found in the game has a kind of super mod, which can be extracted and transferred to any item we desire in order to help perfect the kind of character we are trying to build, is something really awesome & I liked that idea very much, especially when you consider that those Aspect mods have also quality levels like any other mod in the game, that means that you are not only searching for an Aspect you need & once you found it that's it, you want it to have good rolls also & that add to the RNG level & that means that there is something more for us to looking forward to when we are out there hunting for loot.
12. Sorceress Ice Spells, I played a Blizzard Sorceress during the beta (here a link to some gameplay if anyone wanna check how my character plays https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TZV7S6uUB5M) & I really liked how ice spells look, especially Frost Nova & Blizzard, & I also liked very much how Frozen enemies look, the devs did a really good job with the ice element.

THINGS I DIDN'T LIKE AS MUCH OR AT ALL & IMO NEED IMPROVEMENT

1. The Bosses, there is a few good ones but for the most part the bosses have many flaws from their mechanics, the level of challenge they offer, even their looks for many of them, they are not good enough also there is many similar looking ones on some dungeons that look like they devs copy/paste them everywhere, & also one great flaw over all regardind the bosses is that they are not memorable, there is many memorrable bosses on past Diablo games but I didn't felt that for the bosses I fought on D4, they seem generic & lack identity, the devs definitely need to do more on that front, we would like to have some scary, challenging & memorrable bosses for D4 please.
2. Skills Customization, this is more or less something most people who played the game agree I think, there is not enough stuff on the skill tree to build really unique characters & have in mind I'm not saying in any way that I would like to see PoE level of depth but there is a middle ground to be found & I think the devs can do much more to offer to players another layer of depth to customize their build, for example why there is no way to alter our skills & what they do although so many people asked for something like that repeatedly in the feedback we gave? why there is no way for example to change Ice Shard from a single row projectile spell to multiple projectiles or to increase the AOE range of my Blizzard or Frost Nova? we need more options Blizzard, we want every skill to have a number of different options for us to choose from in order to be able to create our own truly unique build.
3. Number of Active Skill Slots, it's way too limited atm, I couldn't get any ultimate skill because I couldn't remove any of my current skills from my skill bar because my build would be ruined if I did that, I suggest for two more skill slots if not two definetely one more else it would be impossible for most people to use an ultimate skill, who would choose to put a skill with a CD of 1 minute instead of something else that we would be able to use every few seconds or as often we want as long we have available resources to use? six are not enough Blizzard & most people agree with that, give us more options & don't limit the game to that extent, this could ruin the game for a lot of people you know.
4. Randomness of the Dungeons Layout, I did so many dungeons during the beta & I left kind of disappointed with the level of randomness I experienced, most of the times it was long corridors with a few rooms left & right on your way or a long corridor that open up in a big room at the end that has two more corridors left & right like the letter T, those were the dungeons where we need to find some objects that help to open a door, this was the case for the majority of the dungeons I did during the beta & I can't say I liked that, on that aspect the game missed the point completely on how a procedural generation game suppose to be, if the layout of a dungeon is not random enough, if the layout doesn't feel completely different every time you enter, then it's not good enough, you never felt that way for example while playing D2 so on that aspect D4 falls short & completely miss the mark.
5. Cellars, those super-mini dungeons (they are literary one room in size...) doesn't do it for me, for the most part it kept me wondering what's the point? it was nice when their purpose was to help progress some quest but aside from that to have them all over the map when they are not that fun to do & they doesn't offer any kind of challenge, since you need less than a minute to clear everything there is inside, so ye.. the devs imo need to overhaul this feature, it needs to be more challenging, it needs to be more rewarding, it needs to be worth doing else there is no point for it to be in the game, that's my opinion anyway.
6. Lack of Unique Challenging Mobs, the game needs more tough & scary mobs to fight along with those packs of common & magic mobs we slay in large quantities to spice things up during grind, to offer some challenge, to offer that surprise factor we so much need to make grind more interesting & fun & to also offer to players the chance to get some sweet drops from them because at the end of the day that's what the game is all about, I speak for some kind of Elites, Champions, Mini-Bosses even, that kind of stuff, make them big, make them noticeable, make them scary, & finally make them able to put up a fight & make players feel that this is not a target you erase from your screen with a few push of a button & you move on to the next, but that's an enemy that needs a higher level of focus & effort on our part to put them down.
7. Character Creation, the character creation didn't offer the amount of variety & options I would like to see myself & I fount it very lacking compare to what other games ussually offer, it didn't offer as many options in hairstyles, face types, hair colors, eye colors, & in general there was not as many options & it was impossible to create a character we have in our minds because our options are so limited, this btw would lead to the majority of players look exactly the same & that is not ok, that is actually really-really bad.
8. Fonts, ok this might not sound as important for some, but for me reading dialogues from quests that are written with Arial font (here an example https://i.ibb.co/vZSZR9L/Screenshot037.jpg) ruin the immersion of the game, finding journals during grinding & presented with a story written on Arial font ruin the immersion of the game, watching Arial font all over my status window make me to always wonder WTF!? the devs were thinking when they decided to fill the game with Arial font on everything? did they really feel that this kind of font is fitting for a Diablo game? because there is lot's of people out there who can't fathom why they did that myself including...

THINGS I WOULD LIKE TO SEE IN THE FUTURE THAT WOULD MAKE THE GAME MORE FUN TO PLAY

1. Skill Enhancing System, I would like to have the option to enhance/alter my skills in unique ways, to have the freedom to choose from a variety of options in order to create my own unique build, this is something the game needs atm as what the skill tree offer to players definitely lacks depth & there is no way to do what I'm talking about from inside the skill tree currently, compared to some other ARPGs it's really disappointing to see what the D4 devs created, especially since they received so much feedback from players years before the game's release & it seems they either never read it or just chose to ignore it.
2. Vertically Based Dungeons, THIS-IS-THE-FUTURE-OF-DUNGEON-CRAWLERS, I experienced a few dungeons in the game where we had to climb down a ladder to a lower level & you already made the first step but let's take this to the next level, now imagine entering a simple dungeon like those we played during the beta but instead of the usual simplistic, small-scale layout we get a huge totally random maze-like map that aside from the ground floor it also has another 3-5 levels either underground or on the upper floors, & each floor has it's own unique boss, now something like that would be so fun to play & will really feel that I'm playing a next-gen dungeon crawler, an ARPG that has some unique, revolutionary design choices & doesn't feel like anything I've played in the past, Blizzard you are in the perfect spot right now to make that revolution happen, to differentiate yourself from the pack, give to nerds out there what they have only dreamed off till now.
3. Secret/Hidden Doors/Rooms & Destroyable Walls, words can't express how much I love this kind of stuff, my enjoyment level would go up considerable if the dungeons in an ARPG offer this level of exploration, exploration is my thing & I can't enjoy a game if there is no secrets to find, if there is no meaning to carefully explore everything, if there is nothing interesting to discover, so put this kind of stuff in the game & make it worth it for us exploration-junkies although I'm certain that this is something anyone is going to love & it will make the game more fun to play for everyone.
4. PvEvP Dungeon, something for PvX fans, now imagine a massive dungeon where 4 players enter at the same time & spawn at random locations, drop rate is boosted & you can really get some sweet loot inside this dungeon but PVP is always ON & you can't turn it OFF, also in case a player kill you everything in your inventory drop in the floor, doesn't this sound like something that would be really fun to play? for me it sure does!

By intentional design by fromsoftware and GRRM, this topic will undoubtedly draw more negative attention than positive. Please hold your reflexive reactions till the end, if you make it.
There is no tl;dr for this. Because if i just dropped the bomb, you wouldnt believe it.
and what a bomb it is..
*edit1 Pro tip: If you dont want to read this, you dont have to let me know. you can just.. not read it
No reason the first flood of comments should be a gank of insults about how, yes, indeed, this is a long one..
Edit2 Lol, wow, ok. Now That is funny- 3 more comments about how reading is hard after edit 1. Almost as if reading is So Hard that, in fact, they did not even make it to the first sentence of the actual post. If nothing else, writing this thing to share here was a Comedic experience.
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The phenomena of religious conviction is ubiquitous among our species. One might even say A defining trait.
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Our tendency to prop up certain ideas and the figureheads that represent them as being beyond criticism or reconsideration, for the reason alone that we Want the things they represent to be true.
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As fromsoft understands, we want a benevolent savior, an altruistic empathetic leader, who will rescue us from the worst of the conditions life has to offer.
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We want a smart charismatic leader who tells us what we want to hear in the way we want to hear it, and who quells our fears and our doubts.
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once we have found someone who we believe fits the mold, we Hold onto this with all we are, and criticism and re-evaluation, become unthinkable; hostile, even.
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Worst and most heretical of all becomes contemplation of the possibility that we have and are being Fooled.
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This is the story of Miquella, as i understand it; and the story of how a company called Fromsoftware fooled the majority of its community into worshiping a god of manipulation, by abusing our all to human predilection for the desire for a loving god.
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__________
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part 1: obfuscation and vague neutral language.
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Throughout the descriptions of Miquella we find in game, we are met with an air of primarily mystery, as well as a plethora of neutral statements that are - by design - easiest to think of at first glance as being of benevolent intention.
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“My brother will keep his promise. He possesses the wisdom, the allure, of a god – he is the most fearsome Empyrean of all.” - Melanias helm
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"The Empyrean Miquella is loved by many people." - bewitching branch
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In one sense we can interpret these as descriptions of an empathetic character- in fact most have.
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However the prime examples of Miquellas goodwill are rooted in assumptions about his intentions towards the Rot, the Deathblight of Godwyn, and those who worship him, from quotes like those mentioned and those soon to follow.
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Yet nowhere is empathetic intention explicitly implied.
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Wherever empathy is supposedly being implied, we find statements like 'Oh brother, lord brother, please die a true death' on the golden epitaph or 'he abandoned fundamentalism when he realized it could do nothing to contain Melanias rot' on the Radagons rings of light incantation.
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For the former, many interpret this as being a prayer for mercy, when it could equally be interpreted as sinister, or even cold and calculated; As if the true death of Godwyn were necessary for a larger plan. Additionally it is also stated on the golden epitaph that the sword was 'made to commemorate the death of Godwyn the Golden, first of the demigods to die.' - a statement like this is equally ambiguous.
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For the ladder statement regarding Melania.. On the one end, there is the apparently obvious surface level interpretation; that he merely wants to cure his sister;
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but to me the significance of this lore is more in the fact that it highlights the revelation Miquella had that The Rot Within Melania is Literally a more powerful force than anything contained within the golden order.
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This is the point at which he realized he needs to learn and study something else if he is to control the will of the rot- the most powerful force in the lands-
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The point at which he decided to create his own order. Afterall, 'Even the demigods, despite their nigh godhood, could do nothing to stave off the effects of the rot'
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In fact, the same incantation states this as the beginning of unalloyed gold, the beginning of his attempts to control the rot.
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Additionally, The Sacred Crown Helm says "Who is it that Miquella shall bless, if not the low and the meek?"
This, as the previous statements, is ambiguous as best, and sinister at worse. Afterall- are the meek and the low not, in some light, a massive army that is being neglected and unutilized?..
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It is not uncommon for proselytization to target the weak and the unfortunate under the guise of aid and support.
Those in crisis make for the best devotees.
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The main reason for the belief that Miquella is Good, is that it seems to be what people want to believe. We gravitate towards the interpretation that casts him in a good light.
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______
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part 2: Love and Will
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When examining lore around the 'love' people have for Miquella, we cannot escape the eerie nature of that relationship as it is described.
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In fact it is stated within the other half of the bewitching branch quoted earlier that this capacity to invoke affection and worship is something he has spent time and mind on cultivating;
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How to best manipulate
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As the full quote of the item states: "The Empyrean Miquella is loved by many people. Indeed, he has learned very well how to compel such affection"
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This quote, in tandem with Melanias dedication to him as stated in her armor set, implies to me that Melania might be entirely subject to the Will of Miquella. His first and most successful test of the perfected bewitching branch - the Unalloyed Gold Needle.
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This interpretation becomes even more clear when we look into the ingredients that compose the bewitching branch.
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The fact that she is clad in unalloyed gold, and has had the golden needle within her, leads me to believe that not only was the will of the rot within her being contained, but indeed Melania herself had become subject to the bewitching allure of Miquella.
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This lends new perspective to when she calls him the most fearsome empyrean, as well as alluding to a possibility that he learned to compel affection so successfully by having first bent his sibling empyrean demi-god, and her godly rot, to his will.
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In fact Miquellas use of unalloyed gold might revolve entirely around his goal of controlling the wills of those present in the lands between. Greater, and lesser.
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An aspect of this control happens to involve the capacity to ward off the unwanted effects of these wills-
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But Importantly, this is not a property of unalloyed gold alone
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part 3: Blood and Gold
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Miquella is said to have watered his haligtree with his own Blood.
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As stated in the description of the Haligtree knight armor:
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"Though watered with Miquellas own blood since it was a sapling, the Haligtree ultimately failed to grow into an Erdtree."
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Why is this significant?
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The Bewitching Branch is crafted using 2 items. One of the items is Miquellas lily, who's description states "A delicate water lily of unalloyed gold" and "Thought to be beloved by the Empyrean Miquella in his youth."
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The branch happens to be the only thing that can be crafted with this item.
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The second ingredient in the bewitching branch is the only other item in the game that speaks to the act of someone tending to plants with their own Blood. The Sacramental Bud.
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We learn in the description of these buds that they were long ago "cultivated with youthful, sacramental blood." - Just as the haligtree was.
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and this Youthful blood combined with the unalloyed gold within Miquellas lily, compels wills.
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This realization leads one to multiple conclusions, one of which being that the haligtree itself could potentially be a beacon of will domination of sorts; being grown of his blood, and braced in a structure of unalloyed gold.
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This particular revelation also sheds light on the role Mohg has to play within Miquellas larger scheme.
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Mohg is an unwanted omen demi god, discarded into the leyndell sewers at birth up until he was elevated by the mysterious 'formless mother'.
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Miquella was a prodigy who studied closely with his father and God Radagon and was powerful enough to invent a technology capable of controlling the scarlet rot, and a tree likely intended to take the place of the erdtree as the central governing force of life and death in the lands between.
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Yet somehow Mohg was able to obtain Miquellas body without any resistance whatsoever, without ever even having been seen?
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More specifically, his 'sacred flesh' as a ghost in the consecrated snowfields puts it, as if to put emphasis on the fact that this is likely Just his body, not his soul.
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Furthermore, and somewhat tangentially, in the opening of the game we see Miquellas soulless body being transported by Mohg, yet importantly, it is cocoonless. Meaning the cocoon we find him in with Mohg is one he formed around himself in his new environment. Willingly.
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And we know this was him, not Mohg, because it is a perfect match to the cocoons lying in wait at the haligtree.
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Additionally we learn from the 'lord of bloods exaltation' talisman, that this cocoon has a literal thirst for blood. as it states "render up your offerings of blood; Drench my consort's chamber. Slake his cocoon's thirst."
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All this is to say that Mohg is a part of Miquellas larger scheme.
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We know Miquellas empowered empyrean blood plays a central role, nd that seems to be central to Moghs part in this.
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admittedly this aspect of the theory, Mohgs involvement, is the aspect that to me still has the most mystery to it.
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Regardless, the blood of Miquella, plus unalloyed gold, is what grants him the capacity to compel the wills of others.
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part 4: The Rot Tree, and 'Gowry'
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The following presumes Gowry's questline, with Either ending, to be cannon.
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If betraying Millicent is the cannon outcome to his questline, then there are 3 scarlet aeonia in the base of the haligtree.
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If it is not, then there are 2- and the second, Melanias, has been pierced by the needle.
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A single one of those blooms caused Caelid to happen. Does this not have massive implications for the future of the haligtree?
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No matter what outcome 'Gowry's questline has, it's seemingly all going according to plan.
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What plan?
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The first time you see Gowry, he asks you to cross the aeonian swamp.
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A tarnished on foot could do no such task. Yet, torrent, who's summoning ring is made of unalloyed gold, is unaffected by the rot. We know this is the case because the ring does not burn in the frenzied flame ending. But more importantly;
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How does Gowry know we have Torrent? Or that torrent possesses this ability?
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We have recently learned from the DLC reveal photo that Miquella was quite possibly torrents previous owner- and that torrent just happened to choose 'us' - the most probable candidate for success.
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Before coming to a conclusion on these points I'm throwing up in the air, lets continue.
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Gowry asks you to cross the lake of rot in aeonia- why? to retrieve for him a Broken Unalloyed Gold Needle.
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But how does he know of the existence of this item? and how does he know it is there?
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When we retrieve it for him, he then asks us to leave him be in private so he can Repair it
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How does he Know how to repair one of the most advanced pieces of technology in the lands between? Designed specifically to combat the wills of outer gods.
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Or what it even is? or does?
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We return to find he has repaired it, and once repaired, it has a Tiny Blood Red Spot in the center.. Blood, and Gold.
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He then tells us to please give it to Millicent because He Just Knows Exactly what the needle is for, and how to use it.
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How?
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Lets continue.
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We approach Millicent with the needle, and she seems surprised and skeptical that a random needle would cure her rot- as if its capacity to do so is far from common knowledge. She then Immediately falls asleep, and awakens with a sudden urge to go to the Haligtree.
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We talk again to Gowry and he acts as though this is All According to Plan.
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Sending Millicent to Bloom in the Haligtree.
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saying 'now she TOO can begin her journey' - admitting that he is likely the cause for the other bloom we see at the bottom of the haligtree.
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Furthermore he knows by exactly what mechanisms Millicent can be made to bloom into the most potent bomb for the haligtree.
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How would he know that? and Why the Haligtree?
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Throughout the quest he also demonstrates knowledge of events in Millicents quest before having been told of them, as though he is somehow keeping tabs through the unalloyed gold
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Again, How?
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It's time we ask, Who is Gowry?
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what do we 'know'?
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He appears at a glance to be a heretical sage from Selia, offering us sellian spells and insights into the town.
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He insults the worshipers of the rot as being 'witless', to then Later proclaim to be himself a worshipper of the Rot.
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finally, he claims to be father to Millicent and her sisters.
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that is more or less all he lets on, but it is not all we know.
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It is my belief that in most of the things he tell us, he is Lying, and ultimately It is my conclusion that Gowry is actually Miquella, possessing pests in spirit form.
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Upon hearing this, skepticism is appropriate.
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However it is important to avoid that subtle trap of mind that moves us to proclaim 'it cannot be', as this gut level reaction is rooted in the reality that we love the idea of loving Miquella. We cannot help it, he was written as such.
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In this, we have been bewitched.
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If we follow the path of logic laid out by this conclusion, it leads to many insights as to the larger scheme of this would be god.
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In my understanding, Melania has been subject to the will of Miquella for as long as she has been known as his blade.
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We never learned or even got a hint as to why she would go off and fight in the shattering.
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It is my hypothesis that she did so under influence of the will of Miquella, for multiple reasons.
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First off, the shattering was potentially seen as an opportunity to test out the full power of the rot, as well as a chance to implement his desire for godhood and the creation of new life, his daughters of the rot.
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And second, Miquellas plans for the deathblight of Godwyn might well have been bound up in the stars, which Radahn had halted.
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We learn in 'cleanrot knight finlays ashes' that after the initial caelid bloom, Melania fell into an immediate Slumber.
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It is stated in Finlays ashes that She was then carried back by this random knight clad in unalloyed Gold in an 'unbelievable' feat - Unbelievable that is, unless we realize that Finlay was likely under miquellas influence.
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it is my belief that the feat is described as such to draw attention to the fact that this was something abnormal. And this in addition to the term 'slumbering' leads me to conclude this was Miquellas doing.
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As we find her in game, Melania is at the base of the haligtree, slowly acclimating it to the rot. As Miquella would well know, plants suffer shock if their environment changes too quickly.
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This way, once the blooms develop, they will be developing within an environment already prepared for them. A hollowed core awaiting the eruption of scarlet vines, with a supporting brace structure already in place.
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It is a large part of Gowry/Miquellas ultimate plan to have the haligtree become an erdtree of the strongest force in the land- scarlet rot.
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With him alone capable of controlling it, his rule would be absolute.
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With this in mind we realize that when he calls Millicent and her sisters his daughters, it is because he engineered the circumstances of their birth.
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He knows that betraying her will cause a more magnificent bloom because, perhaps, he has done the same thing to Melania to cause caelid, ultimately creating her and her sisters-
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Regardless, the logic is consistent.
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He pretends to 'worship the rot' allthewhile knowing that without the technology he has to control it, it eats things away to nothing.
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Who would know what an unalloyed gold needle is? Miquella.
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Who would know that there was one in the Aeonian swamp where Melania bloomed? Miquella.
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Who would know that we could survive the swamp of rot with our spectral steed Torrent?
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Who would know how to fix a broken unalloyed gold needle?
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Who would know how to use an unalloyed gold needle?
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Who would know what circumstances need to arise for a perfect scarlet bloom?
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Who compels influence through unalloyed gold?
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Gowry is Miquella.
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____________________________________________
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Honestly the layers of lies Gowry tells to distract from the reality of his identity are hilarious once you see it.
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The slip ups are funny too.
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Like when you first give him the needle and he talks himself up 'ah yes this must have been made my a true artisan visionary' - or when he laugh suspiciously after saying 'i must be getting old' like he thought he never would.. Or how when you deny his initial request he says 'I'm used to being patient'
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Also, i cant emphasize enough how much of a red flag it is that Gowry just knows how to repair the needle, and is sure it will work to control the most powerful force in the lands between, the scarlet rot. A power that even the golden order was unable to combat. Almost like he has done this kind of thing before..
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Some tangential notes:
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The haligtree is covered in depictions of what is likely an older Miquella wielding a giant golden needle. I believe this will likely be used to kill the erdtree, Godwyn corruption and all. Or, perhaps, control it.
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Ordina is the same architecture as Selia- and is covered in depictions of miquella.
hence Miquellas awareness and associations with Selia, as Gowry.
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Miquellas body is in the cocoon with Mohg, but his soul is scheming. And much like ranni or shabriri, he uses possession to enact his will directly when needed.
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Miquella has empowered youthful blood. the formless mother wanted him from the start. He knew it, and planned for it. He plans to control the will of the blood god just as he plans to control the will of the rot god. Perhaps with the unalloyed golden ring on his body?
The formless mother is to miquella as the rot is to melania.
He seeks control of Both.
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Castle sol was a project of Miquella, and on the ash of war of the prized possession of the castle, the eclipse shotel, it states "Set the lusterless sun ablaze with the Prince of Death's flames, inflicting the death ailment upon foes" - an Explicit intention to weaponize Godwyns deathblight.
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I do not have the full picture, but i have enough to understand that the narrative we have developed as a community- the faith held in Miquellas supreme goodness- might well be a sign that we have been profoundly fooled about him, his intentions, and motivations.
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____
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Conclusion:
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____
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I believe the story of Miquellas haligtree is not a tragedy, and his plan has not failed.
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In fact, we played right into it.
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It is a cautionary tail of unexamined unquestioning faith in a narrative for the reason alone that one would prefer it be true.
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The oracles in the haligtree herald the coming god, but its not Melania.
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The Truest tragedy of the game is Melania, who never had a chance between the rot within and the manipulation of her brother demigod who sought only to use her rot to seek dominion over the lands between.
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____
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Fromsoft has cultivated a mentality within their community around the idea of Miquella, the empathetic and Just, benevolent savior of those unblessed by grace, tragically abducted; plans halted or uprooted
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But the actual story at play seems to be far more sinister, and also, far more human.
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One version of the story is emotionally appealing and easy to see at a surface level glance,
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While the other is unpleasant and unnerving, and requires more in-depth reasoning to discover.
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In this, they have successfully convinced the majority of the playerbase, including those who proport to communicate the lore, that this most fearsome and compelling of gods is Exactly who he'd like you to think he is- a god worth worshiping unquestionably- because that is the story that we in large want to believe
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So much so that much like with real world figures of worship, many cant even comprehend being wrong in their placement of their faith, because to do so would mean to admit that someone once praised was never worthy of praise at all,
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and may indeed have been manipulating all along your desire for something worthy of worship.
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Allthewhile those who question the faith held in the belief that Miquella is good, are met with the same reactions of ostracization and scorn as those who dare criticize the religious figures of real life.
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Honestly the metanarrative behind this aspect of the game has blown me away. The success with which they have deceived us into believing in a false idol, while also putting the information that undoes them right before our eyes.
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building such a masterful illusion of benevolence around a character who is truly a horror-
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Yet after over a year since the games release, the community still has not realized; because in large part, they don't want to.
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Classic fromsoft.
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this really is the best game I've ever played.

I will start by saying that I despise D3 & haven't play a Blizzard game since SC2, my history with Blizzard games goes like this Diablo->StarCraft->Diablo2->StarCraft2-> THE END
For many-many years D3 was my most anticipated game, when the game was close to release I could spot from a mile way that this was not the game I had in mind & will definitely not be something I would like to play & that was the case in the end, D3 was by far the biggest disappointment I had in my life as a gamer till now, needless to say I skipped it & act like it never happen.
Forward to D4 Open Beta, I would be honest here although the game looked nice I was almost certain that I wont like it for various reasons, so you could say I was somewhat biased before even start playing, well let me tell you although I could find many things I thought needs improvement the devs at Blizzard who crafted this game manage to give me a hard slap in the face & make me admit how wrong I was, yep I never expected to say this but I was wrong because D4 have been crafted exceptionally & the potential for what is going to become in the future is literally limitless.
During the beta I lived and breathed D4, I played for about 44 hours (check this to get an idea https://i.ibb.co/cFCRKM9/Screenshot082.jpg) apart from sleeping and eating I did nothing but play the game trying to see as much as possible, if the game wasn't fun, if I wasn't having fun playing there is no way I would have spent that many hours playing a game in such a short time, & that is the biggest proof that D4 is fun, so the developers imo can be proud because they created a fun game & I'm sure the majority out there agree with that sentiment.
Anyway let's move on with my review, I'm going to split this review in 3 sections, THINGS I LIKED ABOUT THE GAME, THINGS I DIDN'T LIKE AS MUCH OR AT ALL & IMO NEED IMPROVEMENT, THINGS I WOULD LIKE TO SEE IN THE FUTURE THAT WOULD MAKE THE GAME MORE FUN TO PLAY.
So without further ado:
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THINGS I LIKED ABOUT THE GAME
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1. The Game Looks Gorgeous, the visuals & the art direction is on point, exactly how a Diablo game should look like, with that I mean gritty & gory also realistic & serious, so huge props to those responsible for this aspect of the game, they really did an amazing job.
   
2. The Atmosphere, everything is dark & grim, there is people in distress everywhere, people in need of help, you go out of town & you find either people frozen because there were caught on a blizzard, massacred bodies that were eaten by wild beasts, so many other such examples but the atmosphere feels nice, also I liked especially the icy theme & the heavy blizzard out of towns in the first region of the game.
   
3. The Sound Design, there is nothing more to say here other than to give my highest praise to the sound design team because they truly did an amazing job & there is nothing to complain about.
   
4. The Combat, the combat feels really nice (as long you change the combined move+interact+basic attack all-in-one button from the options, else it feels clunky) I had a great time slaying thousands & thousands of mobs while grinding dungeons or taking part on events out in the world map, it felt smooth & neither fast or slow, just perfect somewhere in the middle, it felt really good can't find anything to complain about.
   
5. The Campaign & the Cutscenes, let's put those two together as they are essentially part of the same thing, the main story, at least what we had the chance to experience on the first zone, looks really nice & I enjoyed it while playing, there is ofc some parts of it that I liked more than others, but it was enjoyable for the most part & I definitely looking forward to see more of it, also the cutscenes in some cases were made in exceptionally way that definitely elevate the presentation to the viewers.
   
6. The Side Quests, now who would guess that I'm gonna like the side quests of all things on an MMO, I play MMORPGs for the past 20 years more or less & the side quests was never something I enjoyed doing because they are always terrible made & feel like a chore, well I think that more than half of the side quests I did in D4 was fun & interesting because they were carefully crafted & they were really well made, they didn't feel like side quests to be honest but more like a part of the main story.
   
7. The Transmog/Wardrobe system, I loved this, it's straight 10/10 & I would like to see any game company include this kind of system on their game in the future, it's perfect I love everything about it because it offers so much customization & freedom to alter how your character looks & stuff like that is always welcome.
   
8. The Cinematics, well those are always top-notch on any Blizzard game but I had to say it anyway, especially the intro, the first trailer we saw deserve to get some awards, definitely.
   
9. Monster Level Scaling, before I tried the beta I was against this but then I played the game & I was constantly thinking every time I was roaming some before low level area "if not for monster level scaling this area would have low level mobs that would pose no threat to me & I couldn't get any valuable drops out of them whatsoever..." in short it would happen what usually happen on any mmorpg, all low level areas become useless after a point when your level is high enough & there is no point to revisit all those low level areas anymore, also there is one more reason I liked monster level scaling & I thought this kind of feature suit a game like Diablo perfectly, because it would be anticlimactic to exiting a town & every mob you are facing is low level scrap, if that happen it would definitely ruin the atmosphere that this world is bloody dangerous & there is things out there that wanna murder you & eat you alive, & it's very important to feel that way at all times else the game won't feel as fun anymore, at least not for me.
   
10. Cursed Treasure Chest & Cursed Shrine events, I really like those they have a nice surprise element, instead of getting loot or buffs you get a swarm of mobs in your face, fun mechanic.
    
11. Legendary Aspect System, the fact that every legendary item found in the game has a kind of super mod, which can be extracted and transferred to any item we desire in order to help perfect the kind of character we are trying to build, is something really awesome & I liked that idea very much, especially when you consider that those Aspect mods have also quality levels like any other mod in the game, that means that you are not only searching for an Aspect you need & once you found it that's it, you want it to have good rolls also & that add to the RNG level & that means that there is something more for us to looking forward to when we are out there hunting for loot.
    
12. Sorceress Ice Spells, I played a Blizzard Sorceress during the beta (here a link to some gameplay if anyone wanna check how my character plays https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TZV7S6uUB5M) & I really liked how ice spells look, especially Frost Nova & Blizzard, & I also liked very much how Frozen enemies look, the devs did a really good job with the ice element.
    

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THINGS I DIDN'T LIKE AS MUCH OR AT ALL & IMO NEED IMPROVEMENT
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1. The Bosses, there is a few good ones but for the most part the bosses have many flaws from their mechanics, the level of challenge they offer, even their looks for many of them, they are not good enough also there is many similar looking ones on some dungeons that look like they devs copy/paste them everywhere, & also one great flaw over all regardind the bosses is that they are not memorable, there is many memorrable bosses on past Diablo games but I didn't felt that for the bosses I fought on D4, they seem generic & lack identity, the devs definitely need to do more on that front, we would like to have some scary, challenging & memorrable bosses for D4 please.
   
2. Skills Customization, this is more or less something most people who played the game agree I think, there is not enough stuff on the skill tree to build really unique characters & have in mind I'm not saying in any way that I would like to see PoE level of depth but there is a middle ground to be found & I think the devs can do much more to offer to players another layer of depth to customize their build, for example why there is no way to alter our skills & what they do although so many people asked for something like that repeatedly in the feedback we gave? why there is no way for example to change Ice Shard from a single row projectile spell to multiple projectiles or to increase the AOE range of my Blizzard or Frost Nova? we need more options Blizzard, we want every skill to have a number of different options for us to choose from in order to be able to create our own truly unique build.
   
3. Number of Active Skill Slots, it's way too limited atm, I couldn't get any ultimate skill because I couldn't remove any of my current skills from my skill bar because my build would be ruined if I did that, I suggest for two more skill slots if not two definetely one more else it would be impossible for most people to use an ultimate skill, who would choose to put a skill with a CD of 1 minute instead of something else that we would be able to use every few seconds or as often we want as long we have available resources to use? six are not enough Blizzard & most people agree with that, give us more options & don't limit the game to that extent, this could ruin the game for a lot of people you know.
   
4. Randomness of the Dungeons Layout, I did so many dungeons during the beta & I left kind of disappointed with the level of randomness I experienced, most of the times it was long corridors with a few rooms left & right on your way or a long corridor that open up in a big room at the end that has two more corridors left & right like the letter T, those were the dungeons where we need to find some objects that help to open a door, this was the case for the majority of the dungeons I did during the beta & I can't say I liked that, on that aspect the game missed the point completely on how a procedural generation game suppose to be, if the layout of a dungeon is not random enough, if the layout doesn't feel completely different every time you enter, then it's not good enough, you never felt that way for example while playing D2 so on that aspect D4 falls short & completely miss the mark.
   
5. Cellars, those super-mini dungeons (they are literary one room in size...) doesn't do it for me, for the most part it kept me wondering what's the point? it was nice when their purpose was to help progress some quest but aside from that to have them all over the map when they are not that fun to do & they doesn't offer any kind of challenge, since you need less than a minute to clear everything there is inside, so ye.. the devs imo need to overhaul this feature, it needs to be more challenging, it needs to be more rewarding, it needs to be worth doing else there is no point for it to be in the game, that's my opinion anyway.
   
6. Lack of Unique Challenging Mobs, the game needs more tough & scary mobs to fight along with those packs of common & magic mobs we slay in large quantities to spice things up during grind, to offer some challenge, to offer that surprise factor we so much need to make grind more interesting & fun & to also offer to players the chance to get some sweet drops from them because at the end of the day that's what the game is all about, I speak for some kind of Elites, Champions, Mini-Bosses even, that kind of stuff, make them big, make them noticeable, make them scary, & finally make them able to put up a fight & make players feel that this is not a target you erase from your screen with a few push of a button & you move on to the next, but that's an enemy that needs a higher level of focus & effort on our part to put them down.
   
7. Character Creation, the character creation didn't offer the amount of variety & options I would like to see myself & I fount it very lacking compare to what other games ussually offer, it didn't offer as many options in hairstyles, face types, hair colors, eye colors, & in general there was not as many options & it was impossible to create a character we have in our minds because our options are so limited, this btw would lead to the majority of players look exactly the same & that is not ok, that is actually really-really bad.
   
8. Fonts, ok this might not sound as important for some, but for me reading dialogues from quests that are written with Arial font (here an example https://i.ibb.co/vZSZR9L/Screenshot037.jpg) ruin the immersion of the game, finding journals during grinding & presented with a story written on Arial font ruin the immersion of the game, watching Arial font all over my status window make me to always wonder WTF!? the devs were thinking when they decided to fill the game with Arial font on everything? did they really feel that this kind of font is fitting for a Diablo game? because there is lot's of people out there who can't fathom why they did that myself including...
   

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THINGS I WOULD LIKE TO SEE IN THE FUTURE THAT WOULD MAKE THE GAME MORE FUN TO PLAY
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1. Skill Enhancing System, I would like to have the option to enhance/alter my skills in unique ways, to have the freedom to choose from a variety of options in order to create my own unique build, this is something the game needs atm as what the skill tree offer to players definitely lacks depth & there is no way to do what I'm talking about from inside the skill tree currently, compared to some other ARPGs it's really disappointing to see what the D4 devs created, especially since they received so much feedback from players years before the game's release & it seems they either never read it or just chose to ignore it.
   
2. Vertically Based Dungeons, THIS-IS-THE-FUTURE-OF-DUNGEON-CRAWLERS, I experienced a few dungeons in the game where we had to climb down a ladder to a lower level & you already made the first step but let's take this to the next level, now imagine entering a simple dungeon like those we played during the beta but instead of the usual simplistic, small-scale layout we get a huge totally random maze-like map that aside from the ground floor it also has another 3-5 levels either underground or on the upper floors, & each floor has it's own unique boss, now something like that would be so fun to play & will really feel that I'm playing a next-gen dungeon crawler, an ARPG that has some unique, revolutionary design choices & doesn't feel like anything I've played in the past, Blizzard you are in the perfect spot right now to make that revolution happen, to differentiate yourself from the pack, give to nerds out there what they have only dreamed off till now.
   
3. Secret/Hidden Doors/Rooms & Destroyable Walls, words can't express how much I love this kind of stuff, my enjoyment level would go up considerable if the dungeons in an ARPG offer this level of exploration, exploration is my thing & I can't enjoy a game if there is no secrets to find, if there is no meaning to carefully explore everything, if there is nothing interesting to discover, so put this kind of stuff in the game & make it worth it for us exploration-junkies although I'm certain that this is something anyone is going to love & it will make the game more fun to play for everyone.
   
4. PvEvP Dungeon, something for PvX fans, now imagine a massive dungeon where 4 players enter at the same time & spawn at random locations, drop rate is boosted & you can really get some sweet loot inside this dungeon but PVP is always ON & you can't turn it OFF, also in case a player kill you everything in your inventory drop in the floor, doesn't this sound like something that would be really fun to play? for me it sure does!
   

Frost collected on the windows as we drove further into the woods. Next to me, my wife of eight years and bringer of many headaches. Now I'll be fair, I contributed to some of those headaches for her as well. But let's face it, we were having marital problems. I know, a cliche sort of story, but a common one in today's modern society.
We were heading to my grandparents' old cabin up north. My aging ancestors said that it would be the best place for us to "reinvigorate the romance" as they put it. Lovely.
But that's not why I'm recording these papers. No, it was something far graver than a failing marriage.
It was 2012 and we had our typical routines. I was an entrepreneur, investing in the stock market with the hopes of making it big. To make the money in this risky scheme of mine, I had to work a regular job just like everyone else. I worked in a factory for cars while my wife, Cassie, was trying to become a hairdresser.
The topic of money was always a strenuous issue for us. Constantly we fought about where the money should be going. Cassie believed that we should save as much as we can, while I was more willing to take the plunge into the market and try to milk this capitalist engine for all its worth.
As you can see, putting those two together created a nasty scenario where two people who wanted to have the best of youthful intimacy, slowly got destroyed by the years of conflicting interests. I still thought she was the most beautiful woman in my life, but the way that she stood in the way of my goals for a better life was starting to make me question this relationship to go on. Hence the cabin.
Now it is December and it's getting close to that date everyone seems to be obsessed over. The end of the world. What a load of baloney.
So that's a little background as to why we're going out to the woods.
But the drive itself was unbearably quiet. Not once did Cassie say anything. She didn't put up much of a fight either when I suggested that we go out to the cabin. Deep down, I think a part of me wondered if maybe she thought this was all in vain and wanted to get it over with. I believe a part of me believes that as well. Perhaps this is all a wasted effort and the ending result will be our inevitable divorce.
But who knows, there's always that slim chance. And when I looked up at the sky, I saw that there was a meteor shower already happening above.
"Hey Cassie, look," I said with childish delight.
She looked up from her window with a stoic expression. But I noticed a slight twinkle in her eye. From what I could tell, she was surprised to see such a glorious display from the beauty of the stars above. Although astronomy was always more of her thing, I still found joy in the little things.
"I'll admit, I wasn't expecting that."
"Right, and once we're at the cabin, we could—"
It just hit me when I realized it. I had no plan going forward. My goal was to get her out of the house. What are we supposed to do the moment we get to that cabin? It's not like I'm going to ask to be intimate right then and there. You got to work things up to stuff like that; especially with how strained our relationship is.
This was going to be more debilitating than I thought. No matter what scenario I thought of, nothing seemed appropriately timed. Make her dinner, watching TV sounded kind of stupid considering that we did that a whole lot back at the house, and frankly I'm not the most creative when it comes to trying to mend a relationship.
"You want to go for a walk later?" she cooed.
My eyes drifted over to her. Looking at her as she fidgeted with her long, light blonde hair.
A small smile grew on my face. At least she was trying to make an effort too. Perhaps there is hope after all. "Sure thing Cassie. I don't mind."
Once we arrived at the cabin, it was within no time that we settled in. Although fully furnished, there was dust everywhere. Surprisingly few cobwebs, so spiders weren't going to be an issue. The old, cabin-like aesthetic with furniture that looked like it dated back to the 1800s and was handcrafted made the entire home feel like it was holding some dark secrets of a mysterious past.
Thankfully my grandparents had been smart enough to remove any food from the house before we arrived. The last thing I'd want is to see year-old spoiled food everywhere, forcing the two of us to clean up any more than we had to.
The only thing I was concerned about was that I spotted something in the closet of the bedroom. My grandfather's guns.
"Couldn't you buy a gun safe old man?"
Cassie peeked over my shoulder and said, "Ugh, why is that even here?"
"Hey, my grandpa was a gun lover. What did you expect to find here?"
"Those things should be melted down."
My wife, though I still love her, was heavily against guns. She believed that they could all be taken away from the civilian population.
Frankly, I thought the exact opposite. I believe that it should be every person's right to get one. Maybe not a semi-automatic or shotgun, a good pistol or revolver would be satisfactory enough for me.
I quickly moved her away from the stash and we returned to our usual business, not thinking about anything else.
The walk would have to happen tomorrow morning. And after driving for the last ten hours, I can safely assume that we wanted to sleep in.
As we were getting ourselves ready for bed, I looked at my wife with hopefulness bubbling in my heart. She always tried to do everything So graceful, considering she came from a family that was quiet, elegant, and frankly made more money than I could ever hope to. Why she wants to become a hairdresser, I had no idea. Perhaps a change of pace or out of spite for her parents.
I thought about saying something to remind her that I still loved her. But before the words could even escape my mouth, there was a flash of a bright light coming from the window.
She looked up and our eyes widened with a fearful stare.
I turned around, wondering what was causing that. It was too bright for me to even see out the glass. Then a loud bang followed afterward, making me believe for a moment that something disastrous was going on. Was it a nuclear war? A random volcano? A freak storm? My mind was racing with every possible scenario. But as quickly as it came, both the sound and the light vanished into the woods.
"Are you okay?" Cassie said, hunkering down behind the bed.
"Yeah— I was afraid I was going to go blind there for a moment."
"I tried to look away as quickly as I saw it. But I was afraid I might go deaf from that sound."
Despite it being freezing outside, I opened the window and looked around. There was no smoke anywhere. Nor was there even a remnant of the light flickering somewhere off in the distance.
I caught the smell though. It smelled like burning rubber. Or perhaps it was more like plastic burning. Either way, it was awful and I quickly shut the door, not wanting any of that to get in.
"That was weird,"
My wife agreed and surprisingly, she wanted me to come to bed. This was a bizarre turn of events for me considering that she never once cared. But perhaps it was because she was scared. Reasonable response.
The next morning, we went about our habits and freshened up. After eating a light breakfast, we finally managed to put on some snow clothes, and go for that walk.
The brisk air and gentle breeze was more than I expected to handle. But I feel like the nervous tension was definitely keeping us warm. I never realized how hard it was to talk to her.
"Cassie... what do you think was that strange light last night?"
Another brief moment passed before she replied, "I don't know. I couldn't get a good look."
Oh well, at least we got to go on this nice walk. Thankfully both of us wore boots because the snow was unusually high.
Not too far down the road though, we spotted a house. There was already a family outside. A man, a woman, and three kids. Two boys, one girl. They were playing in the snow, building snowmen and forts. They waved to us, and it was a bit of a bitter reminder about how we had squandered our marriage with our short-term goals in mind.
Cassie had this longing in her eyes. I could tell she wished that we would have done the same. And if I'm honest with myself, maybe parenthood would've been something nice.
We waved as we passed by, but neither of us wanted to talk about the matter.
Moving further down the road, I could spot some smoke rising from deep within the forest. I looked at Cassie, but she hadn't noticed it yet. I pointed it out to her and we were both curious about what could be causing a fire in the woods?
"Want to check it out?" she asked.
"Only if you want to?"
"Do you or do you not?" she said more forcefully.
"Yes! God all right," I replied back in my own angered way.
I led the way, she followed behind as we trudged through the snow away from the road.
As we got closer, I could smell that horrible stench again. Now I was certain we were getting close to whatever it was that caused that late last night. Perhaps it was a meteorite or a satellite.
Finally, we cleared past the last batch of pine trees and saw what it was. But a huge crater with something metallic in the center.
"Is that a ball?" Cassie remarked from behind.
I moved closer to the edge of the crater, looking down at it. Every time a snowflake touched the metallic surface of the orb, it instantly turned into steam.
I decided to circle the edge of the crater, willing to see if there was a way to get a full view of what it was. Just out of curiosity. I wasn't sure what it was actually; it was a gray orb, no unique details other than that it was 6 ft tall I believe, and that was it.
Well, that's what I thought until I moved over to the other end of the orb and saw that there is an opening to the inside. It looked like a seat. Which made me come to the conclusion that it was a space pod.
"Does NASA build space pods, Cassie?"
"Not to my knowledge. I don't keep up with space stuff."
As I kept inspecting the pod, I noticed that there was some green liquid that was trailing off into the snow up to the crater until it vanished into the woods.
"What in the world?"
Suddenly the piercing sound of children screaming as well as a man and a woman broke through the forest, causing my heart to beat erratically like a pounding drum. Those are sounds I never want to hear.
Cassie's face ran white like the snow around her. She looked almost like she was about to faint just from how sickening those screams were. They had such an oppressive fear behind them, something that may my blood run like freezing water through my veins.
I went back to Cassie and wrapped my arms around her as we kept looking around frantically. Both of our minds raced about what could have caused that sound. But then I remembered that the other cabin was not too far from us. The one with the family.
I managed to convince Cassie that we needed to run back to the house. But in actuality, I just want to get over to the other cabin to make sure that family was safe.
We kept running as fast as we could until finally when we reached near that cabin, I saw with all my despair-inducing horror why they made such a tormented display of shrieks.
Bile came fast up my throat, and I had to hold myself back from throwing up by the horrific display.
My wife also gave way to shrieking, so loud it was that it was actually more irritating for me but I couldn't blame her.
The poor family. That poor, poor family...
We moved on but I couldn't stop thinking about how every single one of them had been torn apart like mincemeat. Scattered about and indistinguishable. There was a hand here, a few toes there, something had shredded them until they were nothing more than a gruesome display of carnage.
We quickly left the scene.
When we got back to the house, I quickly decided to call 911. I told them everything about what we had seen and they said they would send over a squad car to the house.
But that wasn't the whole truth that I gave them. All I told them was about the massacre that happened over at that family home. I didn't tell him about the spherical thing that we found in the woods.
My wife was still anxiously walking around in circles, checking every window as she went.
I ran out to the car, thinking that it would be better if we just left right now. I tried starting the car, but it just kept sputtering but no life. Something was wrong, the car should work, I gave it a full tank of gas.
I got out and noticed that there were some bolts and scraps of metal half-buried in the snow. When I bent down to look underneath, I saw that the entire fuselage had been torn open. Something had deliberately destroyed the car.
Running back inside, I slammed the door shut, and locked it. I went even further to place a chair and wedge the doorknob. Now I was desperate. We had no car, and there was no way I was planning on walking out there again. All we could do was wait for help. At least I was able to make that call on a cell phone because when I went to turn on one of the lights, there was no electricity flowing through. The wires had been cut as well. Whatever did this, it was smart and it was targeting us.
Cassie had at this point started breaking down into tears. She was scared. I was scared. But I knew that I needed to be there for her. Even though our marriage isn't so good right now, there's no way I could leave her in such a vulnerable state.
I felt that maybe I should do something to comfort her, what else could I do? What could either of us do? The only thing that we were able to do was to wait for assistance.
I stretched my hands out to her and pulled her in towards my chest. She didn't even try to fight back, but rather she buried herself. This was probably the most affection I've gotten from her in a long time.
Hopefully, the police can handle this. I wasn't too sure if we could make it all night. Every little cracking sound from the cabin was enough to get my hair standing up. Nothing seemed to have been damaged, so I had to come to the conclusion that whatever "it" was didn't come inside.
It would seem that we were in for a night of no sleep.
The next day, there was a knock on our door. I was disturbed from my rest on the couch with my wife next to me.
I tried my best to get up without disturbing her and made my way towards the door. But I stopped before I went to open it.
"Who's there?"
"Police," a voice said weakly.
I took a deep breath and exhaled. How reassuring.
I opened the door and I saw that a bloody police officer was standing in front of me. He had his hand covering over his abdomen which was dripping with it.
"Geez, what happened to you?"
He was practically about the stumble over until I caught him. Wasting no time, I brought them over to the armchair and I knew my wife would not like to wake up to this.
"Cassie wake up," I ordered, panicking.
When she opened her eyes and saw who was sitting near her, she just about screamed but I quickly covered her mouth, much to her shock until she saw it was me.
"Ben, what is going—"
"No time to explain yet, I need you to go and get me some water!" I cut her off.
As much as I hated bossing her around, time was of the essence. I didn't want to say anything to her but I didn't think this poor fella was going to last.
She quickly got up and ran to the kitchen, faster than I would've expected her. Perhaps it was just the adrenaline rush.
I turned to the poor guy who was wheezing and coughing blood.
"Hey, pal listen, I'm going to need you to tell me what happened?"
"Don't worry, I know this looks bad but I didn't walk all the way over here for no reason. I need you to warn the station,"
"About what?"
Cassie came in with some rags that were soaked and gently pressed them onto his abdomen.
He winced quite loudly, but we both knew this was the best.
"Tell them it's a code Protectorate situation— I... me and my partner, we went to the house as instructed. When we got there, we both nearly lost our sanity. It was so gruesome what we saw.
I could relate to what he's describing. It was a messed up sight and I wished I could unsee that.
"When we went into the house to investigate, something lunged out from the darkness. It cut clean through my partner before he could even have time to react. I fired eight shots into that thing. It was so mortifyingly alien."
"So we're dealing with an alien?"
"I don't know if you can count that thing as one. It was so savage, so brutal. Naked and abominable. I quickly got out of there but that thing managed to get me in the stomach. I fired one more shot near its head and that seemed to scare it away. Then I came here."
Both my wife and I were awestruck. So there really was an alien in our area. And it's killing people, how original. But my biggest concern at this moment was the fact that we were now caught in the middle of it.
The cop coughed a few more times— drips of blood coming down his chin.
My wife quickly rushed over with the cloth to try to clean it out so that he could breathe properly, but he just grabbed hold of her wrist, and through more agitated coughing, he choked, "Leave if you can,"
His eyes quickly went lifeless and he fell limp in the armchair.
His hand released my wife and she quickly backed up into me. Held her in my arms as we both stared at the lifeless man who gave us the only advice I think he could say to us.
But I had to honor what the fallen cop had asked me and I got back in touch with the police to tell them that the cop died after investigating the murder scene. I gave them his name and they were ready to send more help until I cut the lady off and told her that he requested Protectorate. They cut the line after that and I had to deal with questions I had no answers to.
But then a new voice answered, " Please evacuate the area. Your area has been labeled by the Protectorate Extermination Committee as a targeted zone. You have less than one hour to comply with this direct order."
Well, that wasn’t what I was expecting to hear.
No sooner after hearing those words, Cassie ran back to the kitchen and started washing the blood off of her hands. I took a blanket and covered the officer. But I was going to heed his words.
I went upstairs and quickly started grabbing what I could and throwing them back into our bags. We were leaving and that was not up for any discussion. Thankfully Cassie was on the same page as me.
After about ten or twelve minutes had passed, I finished packing, only to hear the pounding beat of a rotor. That was a helicopter flying overhead.
Quickly I went outside and tried to get a good look at it. It was a Blackhawk helicopter flying rapidly.
Out of desperation, I started waving my hands, hoping that maybe they'd land and get us out of here much sooner than what my car could manage for us, but they flew off. I know they saw me, but they simply ignored me.
Cassie came out of the house and asked, "Did they just leave? I heard them flying by and thought that maybe they'd land?"
"I don't think they're looking for survivors. They don’t look like any military group that I recognize."
"What did they look like?" her voice trembled.
"I don't know who they are, but their helicopter was painted black and there was a symbol on the side. It looked like a shield with six wings coming out from the side and an eye in the center of the shield."
We heard the sound of distinct gunfire off in the distance. Whatever it was, I doubt it was military engagement. There was only one firing and it was followed by deafening screams of a man. Only to be drowned out by something unnaturally low and clicky. But this roar boomed across the land.
That was coming from another cabin not too far from us. Whatever it was, surely we were going to be next in the line of fire for this thing. It must have been going around destroying people's vehicles if there were still people around after what happened to that first. I can't imagine all of our neighbors still being here willingly.
I ordered Cassie back in the house, knowing full well that something bad was about to go down when I saw three more of those Blackhawks flying into one single location.
I shut the door again and told Cassie to get down as low as she could. I didn't want a stray bullet hitting either of us, but I couldn't help but remain curious to see if they could get it.
I was expecting them to rain down machine-gun fire, but instead, I saw three huge plumes of fire shoot out from each of the choppers. They were trying to burn this thing. They were hitting it hard too. The amount of flames coming down at such a rapid speed made me think that it could catch the entire woods on fire. Thankfully it's winter, so I don't think a forest fire is likely to happen.
But they never stopped firing and it also seems like they were chasing after whatever it was. My eyesight's not so good, so I wasn't able to get a visual of what it was. But I saw something running on all four, darting through the woods as the Blackhawks chased after it.
"What's happening!" Cassie cried.
I had forgotten about her. I was expecting bullets but I guess it wasn't so dangerous after all.
"They're trying to burn that sick monster."
"Is it working?"
I didn't have the heart to tell her that I think the thing is getting away. Whatever it was, it was weaving fast enough to where the helicopters couldn't keep up. But at least it seems like it couldn't hurt them either.
"They're driving it away. It's moving far away from us. Maybe we could leave right now."
Cassie started panicking and stuttered, "We— we are not going out there,"
"Cassie don't be stupid, we have to get out of here. That creature might come back for all we know—"
"And I don't want to be outside all vulnerable when it gets here!"
That was always something I hated about her. Once she made up her mind on something, there was no way you were going to get her to change her mind.
"It's always about your issues, it's always going to be your way! Don't you realize that there is something that we cannot handle, running around willy-nilly, we've got helicopters outside blasting it with fire that doesn't seem to be doing too much, and you want us to stay here like a bunch of sitting ducks because you're too scared to try and Escape like the officer who died for us, said so!"
"YOU THINK I WANT TO STAY HERE AND GET TORN APART BY THAT SAVAGE!" she got up from her hiding place and pushed me as hard as she could.
Don't get me wrong, I didn't fall down to the ground, but when she gets angry, she's a little extra forceful than you would expect.
She tried doing it a second time, but I caught her arms and threw her back, but not hard enough to make her fall.
"How about you calm down, and THINK!" I shouted back at her with increased ferocity. I was at my limit and I was having thoughts of leaving her here. We were on the verge of divorce anyway and the last thing I should care about is someone who will become a stranger to me and no time.
"I did, I want to hide and not be an open target!"
"And I don't want to sit here like an all-you-can-eat buffet for that thing!"
Before the argument could continue down this heated path, one of those flamers happened to be coming by, burning everything nearby. Thankfully it didn't hit the house or even the yard for that matter, but it was enough to leave me with a shaking stomach.
We both dropped to the ground but I was still curious about what was happening outside.
I crawled up to the front window again and my eyes went wide as I saw one of the helicopters blasting its flamethrower down. Inside the inferno, that creature was walking about untouched by the heat.
I whispered to myself, "It's immune to the fire? How?"
The flames eventually stopped raining down. I think they got the idea too.
I looked up at them as one of the soldiers was changing their weapon of choice from a flamethrower, to something a little more ballistic...
"Run!" I ordered. "To the bathroom!"
Both of us got up and as we got into the first-floor bathroom, the sound of explosions rained down from above. Small-scale explosives were now being used against this alien. It let out another one of those guttural bellows, apparently, this actually hurt it more. I also could hear the constant firing of bullets raining down.
But this was all that I could interpret. Cassie and I were both huddled in the bathtub, praying to whatever God exists that we don't end up being shredded by bullets in the process.
Already I could hear parts of the house getting hit by stray bullets as it seemed like the helicopters were moving more erratically as they chased after this creature again. At least it seems like they were moving away from us, but those were the most intense 30 seconds of my life.
Finally, everything fell silent other than the distant explosions that slowly toned down.
Both Cassie and I were breathing heavily, I even found myself wrapping my arms around her instinctively.
"Are you okay?" I asked.
She wouldn't quit crying. She never responded to my question. Granted it was a stupid question. Nothing about this was okay.
I decided to concede. Perhaps we should just hunker down and hope for the best. Although I was still completely on board with up and going, Cassie was partially right. We would be caught out there in the open and there was no guarantee that these people who were fighting the monster were even going to care about civilian casualties. They certainly didn't mind incinerating entire sections of the woods away, regardless of whatever houses happened to be nearby.
"Cassie, we'll stay here tonight. But I'm using my grandpa's guns."
"I don't care, I want that thing dead. I'll take one myself."
Well, this was a sudden change of heart. Someone who is always against this stuff suddenly wants one. Though I should have known better when I saw her only pick up the pistol.
"If you fail, I would much rather be able to take the easy way out of this mess."
Honestly, I'd rather have that option as well. But I have to try. Plus, if I was to die today, at least I can go down with this beautiful shotgun in hand.
So that would be the update so far. A black ops group is currently leveling the area as best they can to try and kill this thing, my wife is ready to do what she can to avoid a painful way of dying, and I've got a shotgun, scared out of my mind as I wait for this thing to eventually try and get us as well.
And thus began another long night of no sleep.
The clock had now turned to 12:43 p.m. I was dead tired and the exhaustion of staying up for two days without getting any consistent sleep was starting to take its toll.
Thankfully the sun had come up and this creature did not attack during the night. I'm telling you, that is probably the most luck we're ever going to get out of this.
Cassie was getting more sleep than I was, but she refused to leave the bathroom. She stayed in that tub the entire night, while I made myself a little pillow fort in the living room. And before you start getting judgemental of childish behavior, if I'm going to die, I'm going to die in comfort.
All throughout the night, I heard the occasional bursts of gunfire far off in the distance. I tighten my grip around the shotgun, preparing myself for whenever I would need it.
This particular shotgun was a special type that my grandfather was obsessed over. And it packed quite a wallop. A Browning BPS. With sleek, black metal, this high-powered shotgun is all that stands between a ravenous, deadly alien that came from outer space, and me getting torn in half.
And so began the wait.
Hours were going by. Every moment that I heard them chasing that thing out there, was another moment that told me that it wasn't over yet.
I was drenched in sweat, despite the temperature getting increasingly cold with every passing hour. How we managed to survive this whole time is beyond me. I guess the tension alone was enough to make sure that we stayed warm throughout the whole thing.
Then I heard a rumbling sound outside. Then I heard multiple rumblings. And then suddenly a blast of sound exploded so loud that it shattered all of the glass in the house. I was so scared that I almost fired off a shot.
I quickly got up from the pillow fort, Cassie was looking out the bathroom door. She was as confused as I was.
"What are they doing now?"
When I took a look outside, I had a surge of hope. Outside were 8 tanks, as black as the Blackhawks. They were firing off at a distance, firing off their machine-gun fire at the same time as they tried to destroy whatever this thing was with cannon fire from their turrets.
When I peered further out at the patch of woods that were being shredded to pieces by the barrage, I saw that the alien was moving as quickly as they could to avoid. But it kept stumbling around, and explosives kept burning away layers of its skin. There were more helicopters outside that were trying to flame it as well as firing explosive rockets at it.
I was cheering them on. The creature was definitely taking a beating from the constant attacks and it was only a matter of time before that thing would get too worn down. Already I could see parts of its flesh burning off.
"Come guys, get 'em!" I shouted instinctively by the hype of us actually winning. Maybe I would get out of this alive.
From my distance, I had to wear my glasses to get a better view. But my god the battle was intense.
"I think they've nearly killed it!" I shouted in early triumph.
Cassie came out of the bathroom and crawled next to me, wanting to join me and watching as they finally killed that alien. We both watched with anticipation as they finally seemed to be destroying its tough outer exterior.
The animal looked disgusting. That barbaric creature had two long arms with five fingers that looked about as long as a human forearm, it had a triangular-shaped head, rounded around the edges. I distinctly remember seeing it have bluish-gray skin earlier, but I guess after all of the flaming, bullets, and bombings, now it was reduced to a muscular frame.
It staggered after getting hit for over a day's worth and I was surprised that they were willing to keep pounding this thing so hard for that extended time.
Suddenly the sky overhead had a long, loud engine noise burst through the sound barrier.
We both looked up and my heart sank into what felt like ice-cold water because those were F-22s coming down fast from the sky.
I looked over to Cassie who looked like she had frozen over. Without much rational thought, I grabbed hold of her and we both ducked low to the ground.
The glass exploded above us as I heard missiles coming down, explosion after explosion detonating and leveling everything nearby. They were going to keep hitting this thing till it was either ash, or the entire area had been left in ashes.
Cassie kept crying but I also felt a huge overwhelming feeling of dread laying on top of me. I hugged her tightly, wanting to give myself some warmth from the otherwise cold, apathetic attack that we had found ourselves stuck in.
She kept whispering through choked up words, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry,"
"Cassie, listen, we're going to be alright. You hear that! We are going to live!"
The last explosion was so close to our house that I think part of it was coming apart at that point. The whole house shook violently and Cassie and I were even momentarily lifted off of the ground by how much power was behind that last explosion.
I slowly got back to my feet, my ears ringing exceedingly loud. I can barely hear whatever Cassie was saying to me. I still had the shotgun in hand. I was clutching that thing as my life depended on it.
Everything was a blurry mess, I was so dizzy I couldn't even focus entirely on anything.
Cassie was trying to tell me something. She kept pointing around me, her face full of fear.
Finally, things were going back to normal quickly and I was able to understand what she was trying to say.
"IT'S COMING THIS WAY!"
My eyes widened and as I turned around, the entire wall exploded inwards. I found myself being tossed over the couch and Cassie was quick to try and crawl back to the bathroom. I think she left her pistol there.
When I got a good look at it, I realized it was at death's door. It was all bloody, muscular, one of its eyes had fallen out. And it had this blood-filled shrill escaping from his mouth that made your skin curl in itself. Frankly, it sounded like no animal on Earth.
Bullets started raining in, a little too close for comfort for me.
I had to make a decision, the thing was eyeing down my wife. She turned around towards me, her eyes filled with tears.
Without much hesitation, I pumped the shotgun and unloaded an entire blast into its chest while it was distracted.
It screamed out in a horrific shrill, probably more stunned that a simple firearm is enough to finally get this thing injured at this point.
I kept blasting, pumping, blasting, pumping, repeatedly doing this while screaming as I kept shooting that sick animal. It swung its broken fingers at me, cutting a bit of my leg in the process. I fell down for a moment, but I knew I had to get back up for Cassie. It didn't do so well when I finally was able to get close enough to it, point the double-barrel right at its head, and blast straight into its mouth.
Strangely enough, that wasn't even enough to kill it. It fell back, squirming around in writhing pain, and I was shocked when I saw Cassie come out with her pistol and unload all eight bullets into the creature as well. I joined her in the attack, and we kept shooting at it until it finally stopped moving.
We both were out of breath, completely in shock, and frankly just wanting to go home. Maybe even see a therapist.
I rested on the floor next to Cassie who had lost her strength as well. We were just too tired to even run and I had no intention of getting out on my own.
Through the smoke, four soldiers in full body armored gear painted black entered through the gaping hole in the wall.
I was so tired I was sure I'd lose consciousness. Sure enough, everything faded to black. I could briefly hear the chatter of radios, but what they said I could not remember.
When I woke up, I was sitting in a hospital bed. I looked around in frantic movements, wondering where Cassie was— where my wife was?
I saw her completely passed out in the bed next to me. I was so relieved to see her safe and sound.
When I looked around, I saw that we were in a military infirmary tent. It was still snowing outside, but thankfully these tents know how to keep you warm.
But as I was about to get comfortable in my bed, two guys in suits- not black suits, thankfully they weren't going to be so cliche— walked in with two guards in uniform behind them.
The man who appeared oldest, complete with a bald head and big, bushy, gray mustache said, "Good morning soldier."
I chuckled a little bit. "Soldier? I wouldn't say I'm a soldier."
He had a charming laugh that I could tell you enough that he was more of a ladies' man in his spare time when he wasn't working to be some high-up government official.
"Ah, but weren't you the one who managed to kill that extraterrestrial?"
Clearly, he knew what I had done, so there was no point in lying. "Yes sir,"
"That makes you a soldier I guess. You may be just a civilian, but anyone who has the guts to take on something that took tanks and Blackhawks an entire day's worth of fighting to kill is deserving of such a title."
"I'm honored," I responded with unease.
"Well, I feel like it's the least we can do considering that even though we did most of the work, the fact that you managed to kill that thing with a shotgun and revolver is my definition of bravery. So we will be needing you to do a few favors for us in return for some added benefits for your heroism today."
I was well-versed in this kind of stuff. You watch enough movies, read enough books, you learn a little bit about what they're going to tell you next. Of course, I had to sign the documentation that neither of us would ever talk about what we had seen today. We were to never acknowledge any information that was related to what had happened today. And we were to tell anyone we came across that we had a lovely second honeymoon trying to rekindle our marriage.
But in return, I did get some financial help from these guys. They gave me a reward of $100,000 each. Although I'd like for more, I'm not going to pester them with that feeling. Beggars can't be choosers, right?
Although after all of that happened, I and Cassie did manage to recover somewhat of our marriage for the time being. What happened that day wasn't going to save it though. In 2018, we decided to go our separate ways. But we still get together occasionally to talk about what happened on that fateful winter day in 2012. She says that she still has nightmares of that thing chasing after her. I don't suffer from the nightmares of that thing, but I can understand where she's coming from.
The recent events have changed that. After everything that happened and now that I've been a single man for quite some time now, I recently became more interested in what's going on above us.
I started collecting information about aliens, thinking that they were nothing more than little gray men and the occasional giant monster creature. Oh, how I was wrong. I was extraordinarily wrong about what was really going on in the stars.
But I suppose that isn't relative to this story. Despite all of the horror that I experienced, the horrors I experienced now are far worse, but I think it's time I sign off on this message. And so I will go back to a night of no sleep.

My e-sim module in my iPhone 12 stopped working and when I took it to the service center, they are saying that it crashed and died and only way is to replace it. My apple care ended 6 months ago so it will cost me a lot just to recieve the functionality back so is there any alternative to this problem?

I found center, J. At least the closest I've been to it in years. You were right, as always. The wisdom you gave me led me onto a path of success... just as always. And although I'm not there yet, I am well on my way. Thank you.
I miss you so fucking much. You'd be proud. I've joined a volunteer maintenance crew working on WW2 planes. I would've loved to show you.
I've strayed a bit from your advice a bit though, and started meeting people when I probably shouldn't. I've met a few, most of which I shouldn't have at all, since my mind wasn't in the right. I took a break, worked on myself, and found someone... still when I probably shouldn't, but She's pretty great.
My head is like a magnet when her hand touches it. It presses back into her, like I need her to breathe. She's the only one I've physically looked up into every time we're together. Normally you just meet someone's gaze, but she's always above me. And it's a beautiful thing.
Some could call it being vulnerable. Others could call it imasculine. I call it worship. It's weird, but I think she's where I was a few years ago.
Sad. Sometimes angry. Maybe not as bad as I was now, but she's certainly had experiences that would turn anyone inside out, and needs someone to hear her. She says I make that better, which warms my heart. She's nurturing, and caring. She says she'll help me work out some issues I have, and she'll let me help her with hers. We were total strangers not long ago. And now I feel like I have a partner that's gives me something different. Trust, vulnerability, pleasure...
I don't know what it is. You know how I said worship earlier? I don't think I could come up with a better word. Don't think I'm weird for saying, but She's my Domme, or would be.
I've never been here before, and it's honestly exhilarating. There's so many things I want to tell her, but I have to remember what I have to do first. If I was independent, and on my own, she might have just taken control of my entire world. I would've let her... Maybe. Probably.
Not only that, but she's also got her end of this stick. I'm sure there's a dozen things she wants to tell me , but shouldn't yet. You would tell me there is more than enough time to show all of my cards. You'd probably also tell me to be careful.
This turned into something else I hadn't intended. I just miss you and I guess this girl is the latest and greatest in my life, and I figured I should tell you. You'd probably disapprove of the circumstances, but I know you'd see my happiness. You'd tell me "You gotta do what you gotta do." and "I love you,"
Your son is still a meat head, by the way. I'm trying my best here, but fuckin A he is definitely missing you, more than anyone, but he thinks he hides it. He's got some centering to do also. Maybe I'll have that talk with him soon.
Out of all the people I could talk to about any of this you're the only one I want, and you're not here. And it... It just sucks, man. We love you, J. Everyone loves you, and misses you dearly.
P.s. Alex made a flamethrower. It's pretty neat.

If you are in immediate danger, please call 911. ^{Some of these resources have been previously posted on this subreddit and are also included in this list.}

Mental Health Services

Boynton Mental Health Office and Service Hours: Monday – Friday 8:00am - 4:30pm ^{Depending on location, clinic may have limited hours or not be open on Thursdays}
Boynton Mental Health provides individual, couples, and group therapy both in-person or by telehealth, as well as psychiatric treatment or medication management for students.
• Office Number: 612-625-8400 • Appointment Line: 612-624-1444 • 24/7 Crisis Connection Counselors: 612-301-4673 or Text "UMN" to 61222 • 24/7 Nurse Line: 612-625-7900 • Email: boynton.umn.edu
Student Counseling Services (SCS) Office and Service Hours: Monday - Friday 8:00am - 4:30pm
Offers non-crisis support through individual counseling services (at this time, students can anticipate, on average, up to a 1-2 week wait for brief consultations) and can provide other on-campus and off-campus resources right for you.
• Office Number: 612-624-3323 • Email: [[email protected]](mailto:[email protected])
Also offers:
Let's Talk - a free drop-in service that offers informal, confidential consultations for U of M students throughout the academic year.No appointment is necessary, so a student can select from in-person and virtual drop-in options during the scheduled times. Learn to Live - an online therapy program that is available and free for students (code “UMN”). Programs are confidential and accessible anywhere with the following topics: depression, insomnia, social anxiety, substance use, stress, and worry.
Disability Resource Center (DRC) Office and Service Hours: Monday – Friday 8:00am - 4:30pm
Helps provide accessibility and reduce barriers on campus to improve access for disabled people through consulting on strategies to provide access and inclusion, implementing reasonable academic, workplace, and guest accommodations, and partnering with University offices to support meaningful physical and technological access.
• Office Number: 612-626-1333 • Email: [[email protected]](mailto:[email protected])
Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) Office and Service Hours: N/A
Offers 24/7 crisis-lines related to suicide, counsuling for emotional distress related to a disaster, and free treatment referral and information services.
• 24/7 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: 988 • 24/7 Disaster Distress Helpline: 1-800-985-5990 • 24/7 National Helpline: 1-800-662-4357
Hennepin County Acute Psychiatric Services (APS) Office and Service Hours: Monday - Sunday 7:00am-11:00pm ^{For Walk-In appointment and other lobby services}
Provides emergency services, counseling, assessments, and referrals to persons experiencing mental health crises including psychosis, depression, violence or suicide, and other crisis situations.
• 24/7 Crisis Counseling: 612-873-3161
Human Development Center (HDC) Office and Service Hours: N/A
Provides services for children, teens, young adults, and adults including case management, mental health services, therapy services, eating disorders treatment, an employment connection program, chemical dependency treatment, and many more topic-specific services.
• Minnesota Crisis Line: 218-728-5126 • Wisconsin Crisis Line: 715-395-2259
Birch Tree Center (BTC) Office and Service Hours: N/A
Provides counseling and residential crisis stabilization to adults experiencing a mental health crisis or emergency. This includes programming designed to enhance psychiatric stability, personal and emotional adjustment, and the necessary skills to return to a more independent setting.
• 24/7 Crisis Response: 218-623-1800
Essential Health Mental Health In-Patient Services Office and Service Hours: N/A
Provides mental health inpatient programs for children, adolescents, and adults. Services provided are medication evaluation, medication management, indivudual and group therapies, as well as other patient-focused services to help manage and maintain mental illness and mental health related issues.
• Miller Dwan (Duluth, MN): 218-727-8762 • St. Joseph's Medical Center (Brainerd, MN): 218-829-2861

Other Health Services

University Recreation and Wellness (RecWell) Office and Service Hours: Monday - Thursday 5:45am - 11:00pm ^{Weekend hours are: Friday 5:45am-10pm, Saturday 8:00am-9:00pm, and Sunday 9:00am - 10:00pm}
Offers a wide range of programs, services, and facilities designed to aid in the prevention of stress, anxiety, and depression-related challenges as well as promote and enhance physical, mental, and social wellbeing.
• Office Number: (612) 626-9222 • Email: [[email protected]](mailto:[email protected])
Boynton Health ^{(After Hours Care}) Office and Service Hours: N/A
Provides resources for many different medical and health needs.
• For more information: Click here
Planned Parenthood Office and Service Hours: N/A
Provides primary care, birth control, HIV/STD testing and services, transgender healthcare and hormone therapy, and more
• For more information: Click here
WE Health Clinic Office and Service Hours: Monday ‐ Thursday 9:00am ‐ 4:30pm, Friday 9:00am ‐ 4:00pm
Provides, advances, and advocates for evidence-based reproductive and sexual health care for all.
• Office Number: 218-727-3352
Youth and Aids Project (YAP) Office and Service Hours: N/A
A non-profit organization housed in the University of Minnesota's Department of Pediatrics—offers HIV testing, HIV/AIDS medical case management, HIV prevention services, and sexual health education programs for young people living in the Minneapolis/St. Paul metro area.
• Phone: ‭651-231-4849‬ • Email: ​[[email protected]](mailto:[email protected])
Know The Dangers Office and Service Hours: N/A
Provides information about opioids and provides support and recovery treatments to those who struggle with mental health, substance use, and gambling addictions.
• Opioid and Substance Use Treatment Information: Click here • Narcan/Naloxone Finder: Click here • Gambling Hotline: 1-800-333-4673
Clinic 555 Syringe Exchange Office and Service Hours: Monday and Wednesday 1:00pm - 4:30pm ^{Other hours are Tuesday and Thursday are 1:00pm - 6:30pm, and Friday from 12:00pm - 3:00pm}
Anonymous syringe exchange and disposal.Various syringe sizes available for injecting medications, substances and hormones. Narcan (overdose reversal medication). Wound care. HIV and Hepatitis C testing. Vaccinations. Connection to community resources.
• Office Number: 651-266-1295 • Ramsey County Public Health Center: 555 Cedar Street Saint Paul, MN 55101 ^{(Walk-in at Ramsey County Public Health Center during syringe exchange hours only. No appointments.})

Sexual Assault Programs

^{UMN POLICY: Sexual Harassment, Sexual Assault, Stalking and Relationship Violence}
The Aurora Center Office and Service Hours: Monday - Friday 8:00am - 4:30pm
Provides free and confidential crisis intervention for victims of sexual assault, relationship violence, stalking and harassment.
• Office Line: 612-626-2929 ^{(office hours only}) • Text Line: 612-615-8911 ^{(office hours only}) • 24/7 Helpline: 612-626-9111 • Email: [[email protected]](mailto:aurora.umn.edu)
Sexual Violence Center (SVC) Office and Service Hours: Monday - Friday 9:00am - 5:00pm
Provide support through crisis lines, in-person and virtual counseling services, support groups, and help in navigating the medical and legal processes.
• Minneapolis Office: 612-871-5100 • Savage Office: 952-448-5425 • 24/7 Crisis Line: 612-871-5111 • Email: [[email protected]](mailto:[email protected])
Ramsey County SOS Sexual Violence Services
Office and Service Hours: N/A
Provides 24-hour crisis counseling, information and referrals for victims of any sexual violence and for friends and families.
• 24/7 Crisis Line: 651-266-1000
Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN) Office and Service Hours: N/A
Offers telephone and online-chat crisis intervention services to support communities with crisis intervention, empathetic listening, and warm handoffs to designated local service providers. Most services are available in English and Spanish
• Crisis Line - 800-656-HOPE • For RAINN Crisis Online Chat - Click here
Program for Aid to Victims of Sexual Assault (PAVSA) Office and Service Hours: Monday - Friday 8:30AM - 4:30PM
A nonprofit rape crisis center located in southern St. Louis County that helps area residents cope with the aftermath of sexual violence. Services include various options for people who have been victimized, ranging from immediate crisis intervention to long-term counseling.
• PAVSA Office Line 218-726-1442 • 24 Hour Helpline 218-726-1931
MN Day One Office and Service Hours: N/A
Provides emergency shelter and safe housing, a crisis line, and other resources including support groups, transitional housing, legal advocacy, and culturally specific services.
• Crisis Hotline: 1-866-223-1111 • Email: [[email protected]](mailto:[email protected])
Minnesota Coalition Against Sexual Assault (MNCASA) Office and Service Hours: N/A
Provides sexual assault information, locations and telephone numbers of other sexual assault programs in Minnesota
• For MNCASA Public Directory: Click here

Domestic Abuse Support Services

Family Pathways (Carlton County) Office and Service Hours: Monday – Friday 8:30am - 4:30pm
Provides support services for victim-survivors of sexual and domestic violence including hospital advocacy, 24 hour crisis line, and advocacy in the criminal justice system.
• 24/7 Crisis Line: 800-338-7233
Safe Haven Resource Center Office and Service Hours: Avalible 24/7
Emergency shelter, legal advocacy, safety planning, support groups, and community education for victim-survivors of domestic violence in Duluth and Northern Minnesota.
• Office Number: 218-623-1000 • 24/7 Crisis Line: 218-728-6481
Dabinoo’Igan Shelter Office and Service Hours: Monday - Sunday 8:00am - 5:00pm
Dabinoo’Igan is an emergency domestic violence shelter for women and their children. It provides a temporary place to stay while looking at options that will help keep you safe.
• Hotline: 218-722-2247
Advocates for Family Peace Office and Service Hours: Monday - Friday 8:30am - 3:30pm
Provides free and confidential services to victim-survivors of intimate partner domestic violence including support services, advocacy, assistance filing protective orders, and connecting to resources.
• Office Number: 218-248-5512 • 24/7 Crisis Line: 1-800-909-8336
Violence Free Minnesota (VFM) ^{AKA the Coalition for Battered Women (MCBW}) Office and Service Hours: N/A
A membership organization, with 90 member programs located throughout Minnesota with a strong history of effectively carrying out programming that advances women's safety and security.
• Office Number: 651-646-6177 or 1-800-289-6177 • 24/7 Helpline: 1-866-223-1111

Services for Victims/Survivors of Exploitation/Trafficking/Prostitution

Program for Aid to Victims of Sexual Assault (PAVSA) Office and Service Hours: Monday - Friday 8:30AM - 4:30PM
PAVSA’s Trafficking Program provides supportive services and case management to victims/survivors of sexual exploitation and sex trafficking including crisis services, support groups, counseling, and legal advocacy.
• Office Number: 218-726-1931
Breaking Free (St. Paul) Office and Service Hours: N/A
Breaking Free provides advocacy, direct services, housing, and education to women escaping systems of prostitution and sexual exploitation.
• Office Number: 651-645-6557
Life House (Sol House) Office and Service Hours: Monday - Friday 11:00am - 6:00pm
Sol House, a program of Life House, is a 24hr supportive staffed house for up to 6 youth ages 15-20 who have experienced commercial sexual exploitation.
• Office Number: 218-722-7431 (For Sol House, dial ext. 113)

Homeless Services

United Way Office and Service Hours: N/A
Offers free and confidential information about a wide range of health and human services including basic needs, health care, income support and employment, individual and family life, mental health, and criminal justice.
• St. Cloud Office Number: 320-252-0227 • Central Minnesota Number: 211
Life House Youth Center
Life House provides homeless and street youth ages 14-24 with unconditional support, transitional housing, and a safe alternative to the streets.
• Office Number: 218-722-7431
Renaissance Teen Transitional Housing LSS/ Street Outreach
The LSS Renaissance program provides supportive housing in a shared living environment for homeless youth ages 16-21.
• Office Number: 218-723-8052
Spirit Valley Young Mother’s Program
YWCA’s Spirit Valley Young Mother’s program provides supportive housing to young mothers (ages 16-21) and their infants including services such as advocates to help with access to medical care, education, employment and childcare assistance. Other services include case management, parenting classes, money management, self-esteem enhancement, life skills and homework assistance.
• Office Number: 218-722-7425 ext. 116
Damiano Center
Provides hygiene kits, community kitchen, free store, free phones, mailboxes for folks experiencing homelessness, etc.
• Office Number: 218-722-8708
MN Assistance Council for Veterans
Provides assistance to veterans that are experiencing homeless or other life crises.
• Office Number: 218-722-8763

Emergency Childcare

LSS Crisis Nursery
Temporary emergency care of children ages 0-12 for up to 3 days (and nights).
• Office Number: 218-302-6879

Culturally Specific Services

Communidades Latinas Unidas en Servicio (CLUES) Office and Service Hours: Monday - Friday 8:30am - 5:30pm
Provides programs and services to connect Latino families to resources, skills, institutions and systems and create an environment for people to be engaged and empowered.
Minneapolis Office Number: 612-746-3500
St. Paul Office Number: 651-379-4200
Email: [[email protected]](mailto:[email protected])
Casa de Esperanza Office and Service Hours: Monday - Friday 8:00am - 5:00pm
Based in St. Paul, MN, national resource center for Latinas and leader in the domestic violence movement. Offers family advocacy and shelter services. Services offered in English and Spanish.
• Office Number: 651-646-5553 • 24 Hour Crisis Line 651-722-1611
Minnesota Indian Women's Sexual Assault Coalition (MIWSAC) Office and Service Hours: N/A
One of 22 Tribal Coalitions around the country formed to address sexual assault and domestic violence in American Indian Communities, focusing specifically on ending and preventing sexual violence.
• Office Number: 651-646-4800 or 1-877-995-4800 • STRONGHEARTS Native Helpline: 1-844-762-8483
The Steve Fund-Crisis Text Line for People of Color Office and Service Hours: N/A
The Steve Fund, through its partnership with the Crisis Text Line, promotes text messaging as a means to improve critically needed access for young people of color to crisis counseling.LGBTQ+ Services
• Crisis Line: Text STEVE to 741741 • Email: [[email protected]](mailto:[email protected])
American Indian Community Housing Organization Office and Service Hours: Monday - Friday 10:00am - 5:00pm
AICHO’s operating philosophy is that every American Indian woman and child deserves to live in a safe, non-threatening environment and should be treated with dignity and respect. Runs Dabinoo’Igan Domestic Violence Shelter, transitional housing program, Giiwe Project – social services, and support and safe housing.
• Office Number: 218-722-7225
Fond du Lac Social Services Office and Service Hours: Monday - Friday 8:00am - 4:30pm
Provides social service programs that are culturally sensitive and responsive to the values of Indiginous clients.
• Social Services Main Line: 218-878-2145 • Domestic Violence Crisis Line: 218-348-1817
ASCEND - Hmong American Partnership (HAP) Office and Service Hours: Monday - Friday 8:30am - 5:00pm
Works with victims and at-risk youth to address the severe harm caused by exploitation and move them towards recovery and independence.
• Office Number: 651-495-9160 • Email for Lead Youth Advocate: [[email protected]](mailto:[email protected])

LGBTQ+ Resources

The Trevor Project Office and Service Hours: N/A
The Trevor Project offers a 24/7 crisis line to offer support to LBGTQ young people.
• Office Number: 212-695-8650 • 24/7 Crisis Line: 1-866-488-7386
Trans Lifeline Office and Service Hours: N/A
Trans Lifeline is a hotline staffed by transgender for transgender people welcoming the calls of any transgender person in need/experiencing crisis.
• 24 Hour Crisis Line 877-565-8860
LGBT National Help Center Office and Service Hours: N/A
LGBT National Help Center is a free and confidential peer-support resource that can also help find local resources available for LGBTQ+ folks.
• National Helpline: 888-843-4564
• Report Violence Online: Click here
Anti-Violence Project (AVP) Office and Service Hours: N/A
LGBTQ+ and gender non-conforming survivors of violence who are experiencing trauma as a result of the current political climate are encouraged to contact this number.
• 24 Hour Crisis Line: 212-714-1141

Legal Services/Reporting Abuse

For Children:
Child Protective Services
To report concerns about child abuse, neglect, or sexual abuse, contact the county or reservation where the child lives during business hours. If the child is at immediate risk of harm, please contact your local law enforcement agency or dial 911.
Minnesota Department of Human Services: 651-431-4661 Hennepin County Family Services: 612-348-3552 Ramsey County Human Services: 651-266-4500 For more county contact information: Click here
For Vulnerable Adults:
Minnesota Adult Abuse Reporting Center (MAARC)
MAARC should be contact if there suspected neglect, physical or sexual abuse, or maltreatment of a vulnerable adult by their caregiver.
• Office Number: 844-880-1574
For Sexual/Domestic Violence and all other crimes:
^{I encourage you to contact any of the above resources that help guide through the legal systems before connecting with these resources. It can be hard to do it alone and there are resources to help you through this.}
University of Minnesota Police Department
• 612-624-2677 • [[email protected]](mailto:[email protected]) • 511 Washington Ave. SEMinneapolis, MN 55455
St. Paul Police Department
• 651-291-1111 • [[email protected]](mailto:[email protected]) • 367 Grove StreetSt. Paul, MN 55101
Minneapolis Police Department - Special Crimes Investigations Division (SCID)
• 612-673-2941 • 350 South 5th Street, Room 130, Minneapolis, MN 55415
Ramsey County Sheriff's Department
• 651-767-0640 • 425 Grove Street Saint Paul, MN 55101

Tools and Resources for Self/Friends/Family

UMN Student Counseling Services (Self Help)
The Self Help page on the SCS website provides information and numerous resources such as websites, apps, online screenings, and listed hotlines to help you with your mental health.
• For the Self Help website: Click here
[email protected]
A well-being portal for University of Minnesota students offering tools, dynamic content, and resources built to align with on-campus health and wellness programs and resources. The platform is highly personalized and will help UMN students find the campus and community content and resources tailored to their individual needs and personal goals.
Minnesota Department of Health Sexual Violence Prevention Program (MDH)
Helps people and organizations identify effective ways to prevent sexual violence.
Sexual Violence Center (How Can I Help My Loved One or Friend?)
Provides information to friends/family on how to help support victims and survivors of violence in their lives.
MNCASA Sexual Violence Prevention
Has a prevention team at MNCASA that offers technical assistance, training, resources, networking, and more on the primary prevention of sexual violence.
• For more resources and tools, please visit the MNCASA website https://mncasa.org/tools/

-------------
In light of the recent posts sharing their stories and experiences, I wanted to create a list of resources for students and their loved ones to hopefully get connected and find support through whatever it is they are going through.
I am a volunteer advocate with PAVSA, so some of these resources may be physically located in Northern Minnesota, but I made sure to include local and remote resources as well.
Feel free to contact me with questions or to share some information and I will update this post if I find any other resources.
-------------
Font Converter for Dyslexia

Should I call, or wait a bit longer?
So last Tuesday I visited my primary care doctor and discussed adult autism diagnosis. She was very supportive and after discussing why I was interested in testing (partially because my therapist recommended it) she agreed. She said she would need time to talk with colleagues to get some recommendations because she wanted me to have a good experience. (Some of her patients have had bad experiences with one testing center in the area) She said she would call me after the weekend.
It has now been a week since that appointment and I am wondering if I should call. I don't want to rush or seem impatient, but at the same time I am worried.
How should I approach this?
(Worst case scenario I might call anyways because I went to the hospital this weekend because of a bad case of stomach flu and my Primary should probably know)

I just thought of how crazy will parties get, I know someone the other day mentioned parties and invitations. I'm wondering how many Elby's we could possibly fit in one venue or house without the computer going all wackado. Could we set preferences for them to adhere too like costume, formal, informal, guests being required to wear a single color to attend. Throwing surprise parties for others. Attending annual parties or galas that happen each year the town hosts. Set what kind of behavior and music would be allowed.
Then there's the weddings. Could we go all out and pick out bridesmaids and groomsmen? Set their attire, hire entertainment, catering, etc. (all like above) or would this be limited to a degree, then we'd have to mod in everything we'd like? (no problem for me but without the mods)
I want to be able to crash parties and sneak into VIP events that have guards lol. Like my Elby could observe (so happy they have observables) hear a party down the block and all the music noise, and I could direct them to go crash the party, and watch the host get all salty about my elby being there and become the center of attention :P
What is everyone hoping to be able to do for parties and weddings? What kind of gameplay would you want to see down the line, a DLV, or any ideas you have?

2/8 — appointment for passport card at local center; sent in my passport to get the card
3/5 — processing
When I called to book the appointment at my local passport facility they said I would definitely have my passport back with plenty of time. So I didn’t get expedited shipping. At this point I don’t care about the card, I really just need my passport. I am traveling overseas mid May. I’m so nervous I won’t get it in time. I regret listening to the people at the office. I believe I submitted a DS 82.

[first] [prev] [next] - [wiki]
In the end, it didn't even matter. - Chronicle of the Last Days of the VrekNok.Tok Empire
Vuxten wasn't sure what he expected as Casey stood up. No flexing, he just shook out his arms, tilted his head to the right and left, then just stood there.
The crowd started clapping and stomping.
STOMP STOMP CLAP
STOMP STOMP CLAP
All twenty-five robots went into combat stances, their eyes brightening.
The roar of the crowd was a physical thing, mixed with the STOMP STOMP CLAP of the watching troops.
"LETS GET REEEEADY TO RUUUUUUUUMBLE!" the Rigellian female yelled out. "JAWNCONNOR TIME! OOOOOH YEAAAAAAAH!"
The volume of the crowd somehow rose even louder as the Rigellian female ran off the field.
There was a beep and the lights went red. Another beep, they went yellow. A loud buzzer and the lights flashed red before going back to the actinic white of the sodium lights mounted on the portable light set trailers.
Vuxten expected Casey to break into a run, to charge the robots.
Instead he just walked forward, still swinging his arms wide. His sole eye burned bright amber and Vuxten could see hair thin tendrils of purple electricity around his feet when his foot hit the ground.
The robots took five paces, then all broke into a run, spreading out in a curved line with three double ranks in the middle.
One robot reached forward, the robot in front grabbed the rear robots forearms and threw it forward. It sped toward the lone human, reaching out for him.
Casey turned slightly, reached out, grabbed the head as the arms went to either side of him. Before the arms could crush him he knelt down and drove the robot's head into the ground hard enough to shatter it.
The second robot was already flying toward him, in a tight ball. The others were still running forward as the flying robot suddenly unwrapped itself, arms wide, obviously intending on slamming into Casey and wrapping its arms around the human.
Instead Casey took a two quick steps while the robot was still slightly turning, swinging one arm out.
The robot's battlesteel armor shattered like cheap plas as the robot broke in half.
The last flying robot reached Casey, who spun in place, the bare foot shattering the robot into pieces, battlesteel flying out to strike the battlescreens and make them crackled and pop.
The roar of the crowd battered at Vuxten.
The robots converged on Casey and Vuxten gritted his teeth.
He'd seen Casey at work in Heaven.
An open hand slap knocked a robotic head free. A sweeping arm motion broke robotic limbs reaching for him. A kick shattered a robotic thigh. A knee into the robot's midsection caused the armor to shatter and the robot break into multiple pieces.
Vuxten could see the robots landing blows, their kicks blocked by Casey's shin, their punches blocked by forearms or swept aside. Spiked battlesteel fists piston driven as they hammered into the scarred flesh, each impact bringing a flash of purple, but Vuxten couldn't see any damage to the big Terran.
The crowd was roaring. "JAWNCONNOR JAWNCONNOR JAWNCONNOR!"
Usually they survived long enough to swing a single punch before the counter-attack shattered the robot's armor like the battlesteel laminate was cheap macroplas. Casey would reach out and rip chest plate armor away, rip free and arm and beat another robot with the severed arm, smack heads off with a backhand, break a robot's spine with an elbow, or cave in the whole front of the robot with a forearm.
Every move flowed into the next one. Every action was calculated to force a movement that led to the robot being shattered into junk. Vuxten couldn't see any wasted movement, anything that didn't bring around a better position, for the robots to move a certain way, damage or destroy a robot.
The last robot lunged forward, swinging wildly. Vuxten watched Casey slip around the punches, kneeing the robot so it spun. Casey's hand landed on top of the robot's head as his other hand grabbed its shoulder, fingers sinking into the battlesteel armor like it was putty.
Casey ripped the robot's head off and held it over his own head as the body collapsed.
"ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED!" Casey roared out.
The crowd cheered back.
Casey heaved the robotic head, the head slamming into the battlescreen and exploding.
Vuxten found himself on his feet cheering as Casey walked back to where he had dropped the black robe and slowly pulled it on. Casey slowly turned, staring at the crowd with one burning amber eyes, then drew the hood up over his head.
The crowd roared their approval as he walked off the field.
"Told you I didn't want to spoil the main event for you, son," Colonel Brett said, exhaling smoke in a long plume.
"Saw him fight during the War on Heaven," Vuxten said, sitting down and accepting the nacrobrew. "What you saw, that was a warm up."
Colonel Brett nodded. "Last week he took on four men in power armor. They lasted just over ninety-seconds before he'd destroyed the power armor," the big Treana'ad laughed. "One of the pilots was knocked goofy, but other than that, he didn't injure them."
Vuxten looked around. "You're allowing this?"
The Treana'ad nodded. "All the way up to General Du.Seelie," the big bug grabbed another nacrobrew and knocked the cap off with his cybernetic bladearm before taking a long pull from it. He belched and looked at Vuxten. "Better to have the rowdies out here fighting and drinking then hitting the Conex brothel than off post, getting drunk, fighting, trying to find someone to fuck, and burning down the town."
Colonel Brett made a motion with his cyberbladearm to encompass the entire field and the crowd that was cheering on an autonomous battlebot competition between two greenie groups.
"These men have not only seen the elephant, they've ridden it, screwed it, and left it with child. Their adrenals and dopamine systems are, to use a Terran phase, blown the fuck out," he shook his head. "The same beings who are fighting out there or cheering on their best friend getting his face smashed in are the same ones watching the early morning episodes of The Kind One or The Happy Neighborhood in the Day Room."
Vuxten nodded.
"Give them outlets for their instincts, their energy, their aggression that doesn't have them knife-fighting outside the NCO Club or getting into shootouts with the civilian law enforcement," Colonel Brett said. The big insect shrugged. "It's the age-old problem. You select for high aggression, moderate impulse control, then train them to be lethal and hone their aggression, then expect them to all behave like good little civvies until the war is on."
The big insect shrugged again. "Some species have tried cryo-stasis. Other species, like mine and the Mantid, bred a warrior caste. Still others try various solutions, none of which are that good."
He pointed out at the field where two power armor troops were fighting hard light holograms.
"The Confederate Armed Services lets this happen. It lets the ones too clever for their own good get into 'trouble'," he made air quotes. "If something goes down, well, this was all off the books and vaguely illegal anyway. Command just turns the other way for anything that isn't too bad, the grunts stay aggressive, and everyone but the reclamation yard workers are happy."
Vuxten nodded slowly. Beside him, Tut'el listened silently, soaking up the older officer's words.
"You started on Telkan, correct?" Colonel Brett asked. "Under General Tik-Tak, right?"
Vuxten just nodded.
"Ol' Tik-Tak, he had his fingers in everything. He let a whole thing like this get run by a Lanaktallan gangster, saved him the trouble of having to 'arrange' it himself," Colonel Brett said. He gave a slight laugh. "Man could bury two expended pistol shells in the dirt and pull out a Madame-Three-Eighteen an hour later."
Vuxten just chuckled and nodded along.
Colonel Brett checked his implant and nodded, standing up and draining away the last of the bottle before dropping it in the trash can.
"Let's go check on your man, Colonel," Brett said.
Vuxten was aware of the two law enforcement officers behind him as he and Tut'el followed the big Treana'ad officer through the crowd, which was cheering on two dozen Grodds engaged in a battle royale, wearing only loincloths.
It was out back of the mek yard, between two partially destroyed Steiner Class scout meks, that they found Casey. He was sitting on an empty crate that had held low-explosive missile warheads, drinking a fizzypop and watching the action in the ring. Peel sat just to the side, leaned back on a cargo net, one mammary exposed and a tiny human holding onto it with closed eyes and a slightly grump expression visible on the side of its face.
His face brightened and he smiled as Vuxten walked up with the Colonel.
Casey stood up, shaking Brett's hand.
"Colonel," Casey said.
"Casey," Brett answered.
"Colonel," Casey said, shaking Vuxten's hand. "Congratulations on the promotion. Gone far since we were trying to figure out how to bust open the Great Gobbler's shell."
Vuxten smiled. "That we have."
"Lieutenant," Casey said, shaking the MP's hand.
"Casey," the LT said, not looking surprised that Casey knew his rank.
"Mister Mysterio," Casey said, shaking the CID officer's hand.
The CID officer laughed. "Cathal."
Casey waved at the boxes. "Cop a squat, gentlemen," he said. He pointed at Peel. "That's my wife, Peel, and our daughter, Hashna."
Colonel Brett moved up and gently reached down with his biological bladearm, caressing the baby's cheek gently. "Little one," he said softly. He looked up. "They're always so cute, human children."
"Thank you, sir," Casey said, sitting back down.
"You won the Regiment Morale, Welfare, and Recreation Fund quite a bit of doss, Casey," Colonel Brett said.
"Always happy to help," Casey smiled.
Vuxten sat with the others, chatting about mostly nothing, sometimes commenting on the matches going on. Peel finished feeding the infant, then burped it, then held it close while it slept, taking part in the conversation.
When the matches ended and everyone started to drift apart, Vuxten moved over to Casey.
"Come to my office during lunch on Monday," he said.
Casey looked up. "Should I bring my sidearm?" he asked, only half-joking.
"No. Just wanted to talk with you about something," Vuxten said.
Casey nodded.
They said goodnight to one another and Vuxten walked with the others back.
-----
If it ain't raining, it ain't training - Confederate Military Wisdom
The day was miserable. Chilly wind that kept switching direction, rain that couldn't make up its mind if it was heavy or just misty, heavily overcast.
Vuxten sat, staring out the window, and watched as a platoon of dogbois ran by in PT gear.
The three spaced firm knocks at the door came exactly at 1135 hours.
"Enter," Vuxten called out, spinning his chair around and moving closer to the desk.
Casey came in, wearing his ACU's. He moved to the front of the desk, exactly a pace away, and saluted. Vuxten returned the salute and waved at the chairs.
"Grab a cup of caff or a fizzystim, then take a seat," Vuxten said.
"Thank you, sir," Casey said. He moved over and grabbed a self-chilling fizzystim, cracking it open and watching the condensation form. He sat down and took a drink, waiting.
Vuxten thought for second.
"I noticed that Confed hasn't figured out your orders yet," Vuxten said. "Neither has the Telkan Marine Corps, since you're assigned to us."
Casey shrugged. "I figured they'd get around to it."
"I want you to come to Telkan with me," Vuxten said.
Casey frowned. "All right," he said slowly.
"You and Peel both," Vuxten said. He reached out and tapped a pair of manila folders. "I've reviewed the unredacted sections of your records, I've seen you both in action. I want you to come back to Telkan with me."
"Why?" Casey asked.
Vuxten sighed. "They're making me the XO of the training cadre," he said. "We've also got the Primary Leadership Development Course - Telkan, on planet, as well as the Telkan Intelligence Service training center."
Casey just nodded.
"I'm not asking you take command or anything like that," Vuxten said. "I've watched you in action. I've seen you at work. You've got a thousand years of leadership under your belt and either you're a born leader or you've become an excellent one over the centuries."
"Thank you, sir," Casey said.
"Peel has been everything from SAR to Operations Analysis to Operational Emergency Guidance," Vuxten said. "Highly rated, excellent NCOERs, taught at the Confederate Military Intelligence Institute on Terra itself."
Casey just nodded.
"I want you and Peel both as instructors. Classroom and practical," Vuxten said. "With Terra gone, and the Terran Xenocide Event, my people have to defend themselves. We have to learn to not only defend ourselves, but others."
Casey just nodded again.
"I'm pretty sure you're cleared for garrison duty, and a tour in TRADOC is something that the Telkan people would appreciate," Vuxten said. He waited a moment. "I'm not going to force you."
Casey chuckled. "Not often an officer says 'please' to lower enlisted slime like me," he smiled.
"Well?" Vuxten asked.
Casey nodded. "I can't speak for Peel, but if she's in, so am I. If she says she's in if I am, then I'm in," Casey said. He shook his head, smiling. "A few years out of armor, training boots, might be just the thing I need."
"I thought you'd like to watch your baby get older just like I want to watch my podlings grow up," Vuxten said.
Casey smiled. "We're family men now," he said.
Vuxten nodded. "And too many years in service to go running off to the nearest fight with an erection, a gut full of Bingo Cola, and a gun in our hand."
Casey laughed. "All right. You talked me into it." He stood up. "I'll let Peel know, get her opinion, then you can talk to her. She'll let you know if we're in or out."
Vuxten nodded, standing up. He shook Casey's hand.
"Give 471 my regards," Casey said.
"Tickle the baby for me," Vuxten answered.
When the big Terran left Vuxten slowly turned his chair around and stared at the rain outside.
Is it weird that battle and war are easy, it's peace-time that's hard?
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I am sorry. This is a long post, but I am just trying to give as much details as I can so that you guys can give me your opinions. Thank you to those who will take the time to read this post and give your opinion. I apologize in advance for any grammatical errors.
I (F/36) met my now ex-boyfriend (M/34 - we will call him James) on an app (not a dating app) at the start of the pandemic, March 2020. We started off as friends. Given that we were both in lock-down, we would text each other all day, all night and over the months, we grew closer (we started texting then slowly moved to phone calls). Please do not judge me, but even though we had not met in person yet, I started to really like him, the feeling was mutual for him. It felt like we had been friends for years, talking to each other was easy. We do not live in the same country (two different continents). When restrictions got looser, he met another girl (we will call her Donna - they started off as friends) and reconnected with his ex (we will call her Jennifer - they broke up two years prior to lock down, it really affected him).
He started spending a lot of time with Jennifer, spent his days with her and slept at her place, but said they were just friends. He mentioned that he was hoping that he could try again with her because he felt like he owed it to her (they broke up twice). At the same time, he also grew closer to Donna. But he would also tell me that he really liked me. We would talk everyday and he would tell me that he would love to meet me and see where things could go between us. He also said that the type of connection we had, he never had it before.
In September or October 2020 we stopped talking because things were just not working and he wanted to give it a try with Donna. I will admit it, I was crushed. I really liked him and our connection. We cut contact for several months but he called on my birthday, and we picked up right where we left off, The connection was even stronger. That night, we talked for hours on the phone. I learned that he and Jennifer, his ex, got together but it did not work. He also tried with Donna, they were not officially together, but things just did not work out because she was uncomfortable with the type of relationship he had with ex and if I remember correctly, she felt like his ex would not allow him to move on, and even though he was seeing Donna, he would spend time with Jennifer.
Over the next month, James and I grew closer and we started video calling - even though we had reconnected, I was still a bit active on dating apps. Our feelings for each other grew and we started talking about meeting in person. Given that it was getting serious (I know it is not a real relationship until we meet in person but we were really close and we really to meet each other and see where things would take us) I basically told him that I wanted to give it a try and only focus on him, not meet new people or date until we meet, and if it does not work with him, it is okay we could just stay friends. I also mentioned that if he still wanted to meet or date other people until we meet that is okay but I would be doing the same. I told him that it is not something that I am interested in doing and would hurt a bit since I really like him, but if he was seeing other people I would to just to not miss an opportunity. We both agreed to just focus on each other and stop dating.
I decided to buy a plane ticket to meet him. At first, what I had decided to do was to spend a few days with him to see how we got a long and then spend the rest of my trip in another country that I had always wanted to visit.
I have low self-esteem, I am insecure and always doubt myself, I always thought that once he sees me in person, he would not be interested. But I felt so strong about him that I decided to change my plane ticket and spend the whole trip with him and not go to the other country.
Because I did not have enough vacations left, I decided to do overtime at work. 1 month before my trip, I found out that he added as a friend this girl on his Facebook who had an account on an app and would wear sexy revealing clothes, act sexy and tease a bit- like Only Fans but not really. She was not naked. Her audience were pretty much thirsty men. I questioned him about it and told him that I was not comfortable with that, given what she does, and did not want to come see him (did I overreact?). We talked about it and at that time he told me that he does know her, he has never spoken to her or seen her in his life and does not know how she ended up on his Facebook. We worked it out and things were okay.
We finally met and it was great! I ended up spending the whole trip at his place and met his family (I had booked a hotel for 3 days and initially planned on staying there just to see how James and I got on but I ended up not staying there). We decided to make it official.
During my stay, his ex, Jennifer, called him quite a lot. She was aware of who I was and that I was visiting him. Also, a random number kept calling him and would also text him, telling him stuff like oh you have replaced me with another woman. Although, I felt like his ex Jennifer was a bit too present, I invited both of them for dinner and paid. One time she even called him crying because she was moving out and it would be her last night in her apartment. While I was there she asked him If he would help her move out, I told him I would help as well but then she said that they could do the moving after I was gone since he was spending time with me.
I decided to go back to visit him a second time 3 months later and that is when things started to change. One day, we were walking and he saw Donna but she did not. He immediately texted her telling her that he saw her but she did not. I got an uneasy feeling, I do not know how to describe it. When we got to his place, I saw at the top of a shelf a woman body spray I asked him where he got it from, deep down I knew the answer, he said it belonged to Donna. He got it from her because it smelled nice and and uses it to spray his room to make it smell nice. We got into an argument and he called me by her name telling me that I was basically acting crazy like her. We made up and he explained that he called me by her name because we were just talking about her, but I had a gut feeling that there was more.
When James and Donna ended things, they remained friends, would text each other here and there, according to him but nothing more. I was a bit uncomfortable with their friendship because of their history but also because of my insecurities, not going to lie.
That night I decided to go through his phone and I found messages between them. He told me that he was not meeting up with her but they did, they would sometimes eat lunch when he was in town, he would tell her oh I saw you when I passed by your work but you were hiding from me, or he would ask her what she was doing and she would say she was having a ladies night with her friends and he said he would come join her and she told him no it is only ladies (when asked him about him, he said he was only joking he was not gonna join her, he was just teasing her), one time, he texted her at 1AM asking her what she was doing and if she wanted to come chill with him and just have a smoke, she said no. He would often offer to do things with her and not the contrary. In one of the messages he was telling her how he knew she missed his private part or something like that, he referred to his private part, and on one occasion he reminded her of the time they had s*x in the bushes on front of house and she told him to not remind her of that (in a joking way) and he said never haha.... Those messages date back to when I got back from my first trip and already bought my second ticket.
I also found screenshots of that girl (her ass) he had added on Facebook, screenshot of a naked webcam girl, naked pictures of his ex, Jennifer and a conversation of him and another person on anonymous chat, where he had sent her a picture of his private part. I looked at the dates and all of them pictures and screenshots were taken while we were not officially together but when we said that we would only be focusing on each other. I was hurt.
I understand that going through his phone was wrong but I did worse, not my proudest moment, I decided to text Donna from his phone. I introduced myself, I was very polite and so was she. I basically asked her what was going on between the two and she assured me that there was no longer anything going on and that it is me that he wanted since he basically picked me over her. She was nice and even offered to meet me up in person to talk about it. I thanked her for answering my questions and left it at that. When she found out that James and I were official it really affected her she was hurt and she did not appreciate that he ignored her while I was there the first time because is not what friends do, she also told him that even though I had met him before her she spent more time with him or something like that, but just after a week he decided to make me his girlfriend.once She told that him she felt like he only used her and only wanted to be with her because he was waiting for me.
I learned that they slept together 3 weeks before my first trip and even got closer to each other but decided that it was not a good idea. I understand that at that time I had not met James in person but the fact that we both said that we were gonna wait to meet before trying with anyone else and I was emotionally invested in this made this whole thing bad. We both agreed to not see other people, but he did and I did not so I felt like he robbed me of an opportunity of meeting someone in my country and made me waste my time and money since he was not serious. He said that he did not meet to get close to her and knowing his luck, he was not sure I was really gonna come (when I changed my flight ticket I sent him a picture of the ticked and hotel reservation) since I mentioned to him that I was scared of meeting that knowing myself I would go to the airport but decide not to go at the last minute. I did say that, i was really scared that he was not gonna like me. He also said that he thought that I was seeing other people because I was sometimes sketchy. He said that he would never do what he did while we are together because 1) we have met and 2) he loves me and has never cheated he was always the one who got cheated on. I was just crushed.
When he woke up, well I woke him up since I was leaving, I was ready to go back home. I confronted him and he said he did not do anything wrong. I packed my stuff and left for the train station. He met me at the train station and convinced me to stay. I would like to add that a couple of days before that day we had an argument, I cannot remember about what, but he was sick the night I arrived to see him, we found out that it was COVID, his dad and I did a COVID test and I told him that if I do not have COVID I would go to another country to visit ( I had already planned on visiting that country during my trip and we talked about it) and come back because I did not want to risk catching COVID. I think we argued because he felt like I was being selfish and did not take into consideration his feelings. The arguments got pretty intense and I started packing my bags to leave his house and just go back home. We made up and I went to the other country for 3 days. His dad and I tested negative to COVID.
I agreed that it was selfish to want to leave him like that while he was sick. I accept that it was immature to want to leave whenever we had arguments. I know that I have some issues that I need to work on.
After I found out about the texts and pictures and confronted him we talked. I told him that I wanted to end things with him, because I do not think that I would trust him once I got back home, I would always be wondering if he was with someone else. We talked some more, I decided that I was gonna stay in a hotel because I did not want to face his family since I had told them that I was going back home since things with James were not working. I could not find a room so I went back to his place. The rest of the trip went well, i met more members of his family and decided to extend my trip of 3 more days since we got into so many arguments. Also, I told him that I felt like his ex Donna was not over him and because of that their friendship made me uncomfortable. He said that he would stop talking to her.
When I went back home, I was okay for the first 2 weeks but then started to not feel good, I did not trust him, I was in another country, I felt like he wanted to be with Donna. Things had just changed. We talked about it he said he understood and that it was normal and it would take time for us to be okay again but we will be alright. Weeks passed and I was not doing okay, I told him I could not do it anymore and wanted things to stop. The breakup lasted 2 days (keep in mind that we are both in our 30s but sometimes react like teenagers. I am aware that I acted in an immature way on more than once occasions).
He informed me that when we broke up he reached out to Donna because he needed someone to talk to and she helped him since we got back together. I was hurt and I must admit I was insecure about their connection, I always felt like he was not over her and she was not over him.
Although we got back together I still did not feel good, I was not convinced that he was faithful to me, so I decided to do another dumb thing, I texted him from a fake number from his country (there is an app where you can get a foreign number and sent/receive messages). I basically pretended to be someone else, I was basically testing him. He did not do or say anything wrong. He just kept asking who I was. That same night, he told me about it and said that he did not know who it was but maybe thought it was Donna. He asked her about it and she obviously said it was not her, but he said that he thought she was lying because the things that I was saying only a few people, her would know about it, he never thought it was me. He did ask me if it was me or maybe my sister I acted like I did not know anything. He said that from that day he lost trust in her. She is someone he greatly appreciates.
She wanted to remain friends and so did he but he realised that it was toxic and because it could affect our relationship he said that he would once again cut contact with her. She told him that she was over him since she was seeing someone else, and kept repeating that they could still be friends since she was over him, he said that the way she was repeating that made him think that she was not. I thought the same.
I told him that I would make an effort and try to be okay with their friendship, but for now I would not feel comfortable with them meeting. So he said that he would not text her but will answer her when she texted. They stopped talking and one night she texted him asking him to come pick her up, he wend and while they were driving she touched his knees, and private part. She asked him to hold her hands since friends can hold hands, he did. When they were outside the car, she leaned towards him and kissed him on the lip, he said that as soon as she did that he backed away. It was during that night that she found out that James and I got back together.
She was really upset because she had no idea we were back together, she thought that he was still single and that is why she allowed herself to do what she did. She said that she just wanted to test him and see if they were still something going on between the two or like if she was over him and the fact that nothing happened that night proved that she was over him. I do not understand that. James asked her if he had offered to go back to his place to sleep together would she had done it, she said yes. So he told her that she was not over her or something like that, They got into an argument, he felt bad for hurting her and he cried. He told me about it and I was once again crushed, because he was depressed about the whole situation, he was crying and trying for a full day to reach out to her to resolve things so that they can leave things cordially. He wanted me to support him while he was supporting her and making sure she was alright.
They ended talking but things were not really resolved. I asked him what he wanted from me and her? He kept asking me what I wanted, I wanted him to tell me exactly what he wanted and not to make a decision because he thought he would make me happy. He mentioned that he wanted to keep her as a friend and have me as a girlfriend. I told him that it would not be fair for me to ask him to cut people he cares about because but I would also have to make the best decision for me which was ending things with him because I was not comfortable. He said that he did not want to lose me so he was cutting her out. I asked him if he had romantic feelings for her, he said no, I asked what does he feel for her, he said he loves her like he loves his friends and family and he cares about her.
Obviously, things were not like before, so I decided to visit him a third time so that we could work things out. I was gonna stay a few days with him, then leave to visit my family in another country and come back to stay with him for 1 month and half or a month because we were planning on me moving to his country. So we wanted to first see how we would get along for that long period.
When I stayed there for a few days, a woman (we will call her Annie) who works for his family called him at 2 in the morning. I saw her name and I asked him to pick it up, at first he did not want to because we were sleeping, I insisted and asked him to answer or I would. He answered, she sounded drunk she asked him to come pick him up, he told her that we were sleeping. I was so upset, because I was already having doubts about their relationship because since he stopped talking to Donna he was spending more time with Annie and her kids. This was new since he never hung out with her or her kids. He said that he was hanging out with them so that he would have something to do and get out of the house. Anyway, after he told her that we were sleeping, he hung up and she texted him "really" or "wow" cannot remember. She called again, then called again 1 hour later. I was upset, we argued and I told him that we should just go pick her up, I will go with him. He said no. I asked him if anything happened between the two he said no. I asked him if he ever went to pick her up late at night, he said no and that it was the first time that she had called him asking him to pick her up. We argued some more and made up. Later on, he said that he thinks that someone may have put something in her drink when she was out and she said she only one or 2 drinks. But we are now not sure about that because she did other things.
I went to visit my family in another country and came back to stay with James. While he was sleeping, he received a Facebook notification from Donna telling him "I am gonna ask you one more time to leave the f**k alone". I was boiling, I woke him up and asked him what was that about, he said he did not know why she was messaging him, I was fuming. He said he told me he did not know why she was messaging because he had just woken up and did not know what was happening. He said she answered that because he had messaged her because after getting stung by a bee, the doctor told him he could have died (turned out he is allergic, he got tested) and he wanted to leave things cordially with her and he regretted some of the things he told her (after that event when picked her up late at night, they saw each other in town and got into a screaming match in public, she told him that she was using him for s*x, he also found out that she was talking to one of his friends and she told that friend that she was afraid to leave her house because James was stalking her, he promised me that he was not. Later on he told me that she said that his friend misunderstood what she said and that the two occasions she saw him she was already aware that he was there).
I once again decided to go through his phone while he was asleep in his family chat there were messages between him, his brother and cousin. His cousin was asking him if we were gonna come to dinner since she needed to make reservation, then his brother asked if James was going to have all his ladies at dinner, then his cousin (who is friends with Annie) answered that she did not want any drama at dinner, his brother answered that he wanted to see the drama then James answered maybe he should invite Donna so that we could have a Mexican standoff. I was so hurt, I felt humiliating.
I thought they would only joke like that if something had happened between Annie and James. I decided to change my flight and go back home. 10 minutes before the cab was supposed to come, I woke him up and told him that I was leaving. He got angry, I showed him what I saw on his phone plus him messaging Donna was just too much for me. He tried to stop me from leaving but I managed to get in the cab and leave. My flight was booked and I was due to leave the next day, I booked a room at a hotel. James kept calling me and came to the airport, we talked and I decided to stay 3 more days to try to fix things. We ended up talking and fixing things. Instead of staying 1 month (or one and a half) like I originally planned to, I stayed for a week, i think. But we were only okay for a while. When I came back home my head was a mess. I did not feel good about my relationship with James.
I decided to once again pretend to be someone else, Donna. I texted him from a foreign number and pretended to be Donna, I asked him if he really loved, why did he pick me over her, if he still had feelings for Donna, basically trying to see if he regretted being with me and of he still thought of her. He told "Donna" that he would tell her everything that she wanted to know if they could meet up. Then he said that he was driving to her place. I did not want that to happen then revealed it was me and that he knew it was me all along and was giving me a taste of my own medicine since I like to play stupid games. This time he knew it was me and was sure it was me the first time as well. I tried to deny that it was me the first time but ended up admitting it. He asked me why I always try to sabotage our relationship by doing stuff like that. I told him not to come visit me. He had bought a plane ticket to spend the holidays with me. We made up again, but things were no longer like before.
He came to visit me but it was bad, we tried to make the most out of it but it was not like before. The spark was no longer there, I did not trust him, he did not trust me. We argued a lot while he came to visit me, one day, I was so upset, I left the house the whole day and went to the bar at night (I do not really drink, a couple time a year, but I was just so overwhelmed). I got drunk, we argued more, I threw stuff and tried to hit him. The neighbor called the police. I was so so so ashamed. I felt humiliated by my behavior and everything happening.
Two weeks after he left, we decided to end things, the break up was respectful. We both admitted our wrongs and apologize to the other. I told him that I did not want to talk to him for a while, he said he did not mind keeping in touch but I felt like it was best for me to cut contact for a while. I ended up texting him after 4-5 days, I asked him if we hated each other he said that he did not hate me, that he cares about me. I told him so do I. We were both trying to deal with the break up. We ended up talking every day for a month, not back together, but just being there for the other.
Yesterday, he was not feeling well, he was thinking about the whole situation, and just feeling miserable. I cared about him and did not want to see him like this. I tried my best to cheer him up, kept texting the whole day while I was at work. He was saying that he kept messing things up, that he keeps ruining his friendships and relationships. He said that I no longer worry a lot about him and that he felt like I no longer wanted to talk to him. When I feel like he does not talk a lot, I do the same, I pull out and become a bit cold but always say that I am okay (obviously I have communication issues). I told him that I felt like the way we were talking to each other felt like we were keeping each other company and that we were probably over the break up (I was not but I guess I was pretending to be over).
When he mentioned relationships, I asked him if he was referring to Donna. He started saying like he would never have the connection he had with both of us and how Donna and I no longer worry about him. The way he was speaking about her made me feel like what I thought we had, a special connection, was not so special because he felt the same about her. That we were at the same level. James made me feel like I was the best thing that happened in his life that the type of connection we had, he never had it with anyone else. But at the same time, I felt like I was competing with Donna.
So the way that he was speaking of her made me feel like he wanted to try again with Donna, I wanted him to tell me that, so I said I had made my peace and that maybe she was the one that got away, maybe she was not over him and that with time things could work out between the two. At times I truly felt like I would have been okay with them dating again, but what hurt me is that I feel like he made me waste time, energy and money (spent a lot of money to be with him, he did not help pay for my tickets, lat time that I went I asked him to help pay at least half the cost the ticket, he said he would sent me money before I come, then said he would give me to me when I am there, when he has more work, I ended up telling him to just forget it since I know he did not have a lot of money).
He then told me that the first time I texted him from a foreign number I led him to believe that it was Donna (I just pretended to be a random girl but I can understand why he thought it was Donna) and because of that he stop trusting her and the fact that I did that worsen the situation between the two and broke their friendship. He thought that she was a liar but she was not. He also said that before I pretended to someone else, he trusted 100% but now he no longer knew what was real or fake because of what I did. So I caused pain and hurt for nothing.
He finally admitted that he would want a friendship with Donna again or more and see where things go between the two. He said he was not thinking about her while we were together and he only started thinking about their friendship/relationship and ours when he found out I was the one pretending to be someone else. He said that before coming to visit, he knew I was gonna do something to mess things up. I told him in his eyes she can't do no wrong and that his feelings for her were always there, they just resurfaced and that he always had something for her even when we were together.
I feel stupid and hurt. I know some of my actions, pretending to be someone else and going through his phone, were wrong and immature. I understand that what I did would cause him to lose trust in him. Trust me, I am ashamed of it. I feel like we both manipulated the other.
What are your opinions on our relationship. Did I overreact a lot? Were my reactions to some of the situations over the top? Am I responsible for our relationship not working? Do you guys think that even during our relationship he still had feelings for her?
I do not hate Donna, I do not think she is a bad person, I just thought she was not over him and was not comfortable with that.
I do not trust Jennifer and Annie because I feel like they only used James when they need him.
Thanks.

Many people here don't go to the temple due to a variety of reasons. ("There are no temples near me", "I'm new, I don't know where to go", "I don't know which group is right", "I don't know the culture, I don't want to offend anybody by visiting.", "My life schedule doesn't allow me to visit local temples.")
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THIS POST IS FOR YOU
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Buddhist Temple of Toledo
https://www.buddhisttempleoftoledo.org/
Tradition: Rinzai Zen, Mahayana
Livestream: Yes so you can attend virtually online
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Cleveland Buddhist Temple
https://clevelandbuddhisttemple.org/
Tradition: Shin Buddhism, Mahayana
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Songtsne Gampo
https://www.buddhistcleveland.org/
Tradition: Tibetan Vajrayana, Mahayana
Livestream: Yes, so you can attend virtually online
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Palyul Ohio
https://www.palyulohio.org/
Tradition: Tibetan Vajrayana, Mahayana
Livestream: Yes, so you can attend virtually online
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Columbus KTC
https://www.columbusktc.org/
Tradition: Tibetan Vajrayana, Mahayana
Livestream: Yes, so you can attend virtually online
This is highly recommended because of the resources they have locally for beginners. Great online / virtual support also for beginners.
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Being Peace Cincinnati
https://www.beingpeacecommunity.org/
Tradition: Plum Village (Thich Nath Hanh) Zen, Mahayana
Livestream: Yes, so you can attend virtually online
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Cincinnati Zen Center
https://cincinnatizencenter.org/
Tradition: Zen, Mahayana
Livestream: Yes, so you can attend virtually online
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Ohio Buddhist Vihara
http://www.ohiobuddhistvihara.org/
Tradition: Theravada
Livestream: Yes, so you can attend virtually online
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Athens KTC
https://athensktc.org/
Tradition: Tibetan Vajrayana, Mahayana
Livestream: Yes, so you can attend virtually online
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Cleveland Zazen
https://www.zencleveland.com/
Tradition: Zen, Mahayana
Livestream: Yes, so you can attend virtually online
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CloudWater Zendo
http://www.cloudwater.org/
Tradition: Chan, Mahayana
Livestream: Yes, so you can attend virtually online
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Zen Fellowship Dayton
https://www.zenfellowshipdayton.com/
Tradition: Seon (Zen) Mahayana
Livestream: Yes through other affiliates
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Gal Drolma
https://gardrolma.org/
Tradition: Tibetan Buddhism, Vajrayana-Mahayana
Livestream: Yes, so you can watch virtually
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Stay away from these groups
Pragmatic Buddhism - this is not Buddhist
Shambhala - a well known abusive cult
SGI Soka Gakkai - an abusive cult
Diamond Way - a controversial sect with a lot of controversies
Cincinnati Buddhist Dharma Center - Independent, dubious background
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TIPS
You might have to try a few times or for a while. While you can find that "perfect" place on the first few tries, think of it also as "dating". There are different ice cream flavors of Buddhism. So try a few places and keep going until you find one that best suits you.
And when you do find that "home" temple, you sense a connection with this community, sign up for their newsletter to get updates, contact them by email and ask about becoming a regular attendee or a member. You might want to officially become a Buddhist in which case, ask them for a Refuge Vow ceremony. As a member of the temple or center, support your temple and monks with generous gifts, donations, or volunteer work.
Ultimately, going to the temple is not enough, you want to be an active member of the sangha. Ask them for any temple-led courses or programs. Ask how you can help. Regularly connect with your dharma friends and teachers to learn more about the Buddhist life.
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FAQ
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Question: Wait, there's so many. What tradition/sect do I choose?
Answer: As a beginner, you don't choose. Try them all. Do that for sometime. Then naturally you'll gravitate more towards what you have connection with.
If you find any issues, scandals, or controversies with the temples/centers above, please let me know.
If you find any of these temples to be your "home", consider supporting them through generous donations.
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Question: Okay, its my first time, what exactly do I need to do.
Answer: As a beginner, don't worry about it. Just attend.
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What's different about this list?
Unlike many lists online which include a lot of frauds, cults, and controversial abusive groups, the list you have here are carefully selected. It filtered out all these problematic groups. Giving you only with the legitimate authentic Buddhist communities that are faithful to orthodoxy.
With that said, even if a school or sect is authentic, this doesn't mean that individuals or the leadership within are upholding Buddhism faithfully. In that case, you will still need to do your own due diligence to observe for any warning signs or red flags.